“… it touched the nerves!” Now that is a different ball game altogether, everything else is child’s play, this is the real deal. This is not the first time I have had back pain, but herinated disc took it to another level.

So as I bent to stretch my hamstrings post my run, my back gave, I thought I could just sit down and shake it off, little did I realise that I was about to commence the journey into the worse pain I have ever experienced. L5/S1 disc had slipped on my lower back! There is pain and there is pain, this was excruciating, I did not get it! it went down my left leg all the way to my toes. The pain was too intense to scream. I had always thought that there was no pain that Ibuprofen could not handle. I was to learn very quickly, I was rolling and groaning in pain for weeks, unable to sleep. The GP had to bring out the big gun of pain killers, I was given Tramadol – now that is a drug that requires it’s own write up, but I must leave that for another day. Getting off Tramadal was another struggle in itself but I must admit, it took the edge off the pain. Slowly but surely my pain started to subside and in about 6 to 8 weeks I was virtually pain free. I was so relieved, not fully understanding what caused the pain, I swore to stay away from any likely culprit and erroneously ruled out running and just took life easy.

I was so happy to be pain free but noticed that I was left with a rather irritating numbness at back of my left calf all the way to the two little toes on that same foot. I went to physio and they explained that I must just learn to live with the numbness as when the sciatic nerves have been touched or damaged it could be permanent. Operation to trim the disc away from the nerve is possible, however they advised that the ensuing risk outweighs the benefits. So I have been forced to live with this numbness.

How numb have we become to hurts and pains in our lives? We’ve just learnt to live with it.

… as the summer months give way to the autum months, the temperature drops, the days are shorter, night longer and the days are generally cloudier and darker, the dressings are gloomier and the faces are cold and duller, it takes mammoth positivity not to feel a dip in our moods. In the same manner our bodies need warming up, so does our souls, our spirits. Holicks and cappuccino will do it for the body, but what will warm the soul, lift the spirit, spike the mood? No, not recreation drugs, illicit affairs or alcohol, there is a better way. Love is the key

… the establishment gives no monkey about the happiness of a person! It is a strong statement and some might disagree. Society has one sole aim, one objective and it is, self preservation, maintain the status quo, sustainability of the established norm and heaven help the person whose happiness is not found with the establishment and chooses as a matter of choice to seek his or her own happiness outside the fold. The full wrath of the society descends on him, any explanation that his search for happiness, fulfilment and contentment does no harm to anyone falls on deaf ears. As far as they are concerned, the deserting of the society norms harms the society and calls for punishment and ostracization.

… the raging storm is no where to be seen or heard. Peace like a river descends on all. Where is the turmoil? Where is the agitation? Where are the dramas? Where is the objection? The objectors are gone, the protesters have stored away the placards. The enemies and enmity have ceased. The days are clear, the nights are peaceful. The terror of the night no longer exist. It all came to together quietly and in the most peaceful manner. I am left to wonder, what happened? And if it was going to be these peaceful, why did we have to go through the troubled water, why did we have so much drama. Why was our soul so troubled and cast down?May peace reign!

… so every Christmas, if not Christmas day itself, over the festive period at least, I like to bake my signature cake. It is like none other, it is definitely not a Christmas Cake, as I said, it is my signature cake. It is a cut somewhere between Maidera, Sponge and fruit Cake. So it is unique and taste great. I use a bit of all the three recipes. I must admit I am a bit of a rebellious cook or baker, I find it hard to follow a recipe to the letter, I must do a bit of my own thing, thrown in my own ingredient, my own twist. It must have my own stamp. But it works, as I always get my order for the cake.Now, the interesting thing about this cake is the cooking method or baking method, shall we say. None of the oven temperature works for it, given it is a mish mash of all three above. So I am forever fiddling around with the oven temperature knob, so it bakes right without burning, but rising and not being over done. Almost on every occasion, it looks like it is all nicely baked, sending forth glorious aroma, and every one is keen to tuck in, but put the knife through the middle and it is all raw inside. “Not ready”, I tell my people, it is not fully done. It looks like it is, but it is not ready for consumption.In getting my properties ready for marketing I like to do it up nicely, but the over keen Estate Agents are always eager to market. I guess commission is always a strong motivation. Never seem to understand that it is not ready.When it is not done, it is not done😊

… I hate those awful riddles that go something like there are 3 or 4 or whatever number of people drowning and you can only save one person, who do you choose? Usually, there will be your partner, possibly your mother or father and a child or 2, an in-law and you are suppose to choose! If this ever happens in real life, that will be an awful, awful situation to be in, especially if you love all these people, even if you don’t it will still be pretty hard unless you are some kind of psychopath and don’t care, so you save the first that comes to mind. Well, I want to believe most of us are not psychopath, so this will be a gruelling decision to have to make. Weirdly, it is almost easier not to make any decision.

I remember J.lo was asked the question in a kind of tongue in cheek interview, 2 of her ex-boyfriends were supposedly drowning and the interviewer wanted to know which of them she would save. She jokingly said she would allow both to drown! Whilst a joke, I wonder in real life how difficult it would be for her to chose.

While all of these sound rhetorical, I believe in real life, we do find ourselves faced with such dire situations where it is a matter of who we save. Atimes, the choices are few, us or some one else. As simple as that. What if it is a choice between us and our child, our parent, another family member or a dear friend? What do we do? Do we protect self and selfishly survive or do we lay down our life for another? Self preservation or self sacrifice?

Tell me, who will you save?

… human beings never cease to amaze me! How a person will miss a turning, end up on the wrong road, know very early on that this does not lead to his destination, but yet continue on it for 30 years! Some stay on it forever and just continue a journey that leads to only ‘God knows where’. At this point, they have totally lost the plot, with no destination in mind any longer, the journey progresses on the basis of basic survive, continue driving to the next convenience, ease self, eat, sleep and just repeat till death, no aim, no goal, no aspirations just basic survival. And all these started with an innocent wrong move and somehow there is no will to turn back and get back on track. Most people started with a goal, a destination in mind. They had a dream!

The sat nav is screaming at us. ‘Do a U turn where possible!’ But somehow the thought of finding an appropriate place to swerve the car round is too much effort for most people. Continuing on the slow and steady forward drive to nowhere has a deadly appeal. What a life! The longer and further away we are from where we verved off, the harder it it is to turn back. Physically it is not that hard. Psychologically it is torture, the time on the long road back is the hardest before we eventually get on to be on the right road. How do we explain going back to start a first degree when we are 45 years old, we could have graduated at 21? How do we explain getting out of a 30 year old wrong marriage? How do we close shop to a 37 years business or career that was never meant to be? How do we get our 129kg body back to the ideal 75 kg body weight? How do we drop the drugs, alcohol or whatever that has been our companion for the last 25 years? How do we stop the porn that has become our addiction since teenage? How do we refine our thoughts, guard our mind, hold ourselves to superior thoughts when we have indulge in all unedifying and depressive thoughts for so long? How do we take that step back to wholeness and wellness? How do we get away from the wrong turn? How?In all honesty, it is much easier to continue down the slippery slope we have found ourselves. We reason why or how do we put in the effort to turn back. After some time, the effervescent of our goals have evaporated, we can’t find the ‘why’ to do better, live better , think better. We are despondent and disillusioned and all these started with a tiny little innocent wrong turn!

What do we do? Do we continue to sin that grace might abound or do we stop ‘sinning’? Do we continue down the road we are on? A man once told me, he said ‘I can’t live with my wife yet I am living with her!’ Another person told me ‘I can’t stand my chosen career but that is what my parents wanted me to do’ 30 years down the line I am still here, even though my parents are gone now. I have heard it all. I left school started a full time ministry ….

Please do the U turn!

I have been promised ‘nothing’ excited I am jumping up and down like a little child. I opened the box and there was nothing in it, zero, nought! It is boxed, gifted wrapped with beautiful ribbon and a little red bow on the side. My gift of nothing was placed in my hand and I smiled sheepishly. I was threatened that I if don’t behave myself, my gift of nothing will be removed, I cried miserably and begged profusely, for what? For nothing!

In a little-known back pocket, I found it. I didn’t know the pocket was there neither did I expect to found anything in it. It was such a small pocket, I could only get two small fingers in it. Absent mindedly I dug in, in the same manner a person fidget with a loose thread on his cardigan and there came out between my fingers, something I never thought I had, I had search everywhere. It wasn’t much to look at, but it the same time , it couldn’t be mistaken, a tiny piece of strength was staring me right in the face. I wouldn’t lie to you, it was really small, but it was real, it was true, authentic, koshner etc name it, me and my tiny piece of strength came face to face, I met its acquaintance, it met my acquaintance. With trembling hand, I gripped my strength tight. This time I must not lose it. I went straight to where I needed to.

‘I am ready’ I said to my excutors, take me to the gaol, put my neck on the line, take me to the chair, I am ready for the cross. I will face my fear, I called unto the pain, let the suffering commence. I will do it! With gritted teeth and white knackles I heard tightly to my tiny piece of strength as the knife came down, the charge went through, the nail pierced. ‘Unto thee I committed my soul’.

I went through my greatest fear and I survived, for I found my strength. I pray you find yours!

…. as if! What joy? This is hard!!!!! And I feel like prefixing that statement with all form of profanities and untold expletives. Who wants to walk when you can glide? Why put one foot in front of the other when you can skate, do all kind of tricks, rise to such heights? When you can skate on ice, be on a skateboard, have a hoverboard, why would anyone want to walk? You can get to places quicker, freestyling along the way and not to add loose even more weight.

Why would anyone ever want to ride a bicycle without a stabiliser when you can be steadied and stable? When your risk of falling is reduced to almost non existence. Why will a child come out of his walker when he can have support? Why should we get rid of our crutches when we can be supported? When we can lean on, why must me stand on our own? Why must we take responsibility when we can be irresponsible and allow others to sort us out and carter to our needs? Why must we point the finger at self when it is much easier to point at others? Why must we be independent when we can just be dependent and allow others to carry our weight around? Why must we grow and become mature when we can just be immature and allow others to do all our thinking for us? Why must we consider things ourselves and be decisive and get our lives together? Why must we try to be strong, why must we get rid of crutches, our walkers, stabiliers etc and stand or better still, walk?

I did a quick research and there are so many advantages to rollerblading that you will be forgiven for wondering why we even bother walking. The honest truth is that we can’t glide through life with skates on our feet for the rest of our lives, in the same way that we can not hold on tightly to our walkers or crutches if we have any intention of developing those leg muscles. Aspects of life needs to be taken in slowly and solely, on our feet. As much as we would always need people we must learn to steady ourselves, stabilise our ride through life with the invisible enduring stabiliser within. We must learn to first and foremost self sooth, self comfort. In other words, we must learn to walk with our very own feet, to see and manage the world at a pace that is condusive to our soul.

You can do it, one step in front of the other, rid yourself of the glider and enjoy the joy of walking!