Yesterday, and I mean it, yesterday I met up with a group of people and everyone had two legs. Now I am sure you are wondering, what is the story here? People generally have 2 legs unless there is some disability. Anyway back to my meeting. The meeting was a business meeting and we started off talking about things we all have in common in the business world. These was all well and good, the gathering was unplifting to me and I was learning a lot. At a point without warning, the meeting took an unexpected turn, started slow but picked up speed, They were discussing the importance of legs in business, and people started talking about the size, strength of their legs, how legs allowed them to get around swiftly and transact more business. A subtle competition emerged amongst half a dozen or so people, trying to fight it out, who has the greatest set of pins.

I noticed my mood changing, I felt more and more distanced from what was going on. A lump developed in my throat, there was an uneasiness, the type that happens when dry bones are mentioned around an old woman. You see I don’t have two legs, I had one leg, but right now I have no legs, I hobble around in business with my crutches, so all these talk about legs was alienating to me. I wanted to scream out for the people to ‘stop’! Can’t they see that some people haven’t got legs? Can’t they see there are exceptions and uniqueness to the experience of individual human being and running their business. I was without a doubt the outsider. The thought of packing it all up crossed my mind more than once. I felt that this was a world that belonged to only people with two legs and then I remember Nick Vuljicic, he has no legs or arms. I took some comfort that there is a place for everyone, leg or no leg. They create their leggy world, I create my legless world. Some things I have, some I don’t, and atimes what I don’t have is what majority of people have, but that is neither here nor their, with what I have I transact in business and life and if the association of two legged people is choking I move on to a more palatable group or go solo. Whichever way there is a place for me with my lacks.

God bless two legged people and God bless legless people, we are all here to thrive. Do not let your lacks stop you.

Who I am, what I am, the magnitude of my being, he doesn’t even know it, they don’t get it. But is that enough reason for me not to comprehend it, I am the bearer and carrier of the gift, don’t I have an inkling? Can’t I sniff it? Isn’t some part sipping into my consciousness? Am I so clueless, so unaware, so unconscious to allow the trampling. Why will I join the tramplers? Why wouldn’t I protect myself? Why don’t I object? Why don’t I fight for that which is of value? When no one is around, why will I trample upon the preciousness that is me? Why am I docile and passive? In return I am rewarded with being called ‘gentle and nice’ as I allowed the magnificence of my essence to be trampled upon. Why must I chip off of myself for the affirmation and validation of another? Why must I be so needy and insecure? Why???

Why must I tip toe around the earth? Why must I walk with my hands clasped behind my back and my head bowed down? Why must I drop my gaze and avoid eye contact with the world? Why must my shoulder drop and I slop? Why must I dim my light? Why must I darken my space? Why must I be constricted and constrained?

As I blossom, unravel and reveal, they say I am different. Of course I am different for they have not encountered the real me, my light and my beauty shocks and blinds them and now they say ‘I am too much’, ‘I am proud’, ‘I am a grumpy old woman’, ‘I am a feminist’, ‘I don’t care’, ‘I am aloof’. What they can not comprehend, they must attack, insult, abuse, demonise and criminalise.

With consciousness and awareness, I carry the magnificence of my essence around, with integrity, diginity and courage I present me. With fairness, respect and consideration I relate, with humility I acknowledge the source of all I am but what I don’t do is undersell what I am, no more!

I don’t need to boast or flaunt, I am me, magnificent in every aspect. My essence is pure and true

We are all climbing, he is climbing, I am climbing, steadily we are all going. From his ladder he stretched out his neck and called out to me, he had something important to say to me, I stopped and listened, with his neck stretched out, he shouted ‘l love you, I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen’ I smiled sheepishly, I came alive, I felt validated and took my eyes off my climb. The sad truth was that he did not know or understand what he was saying, he couldn’t see me properly to tell what I was or what he felt. No doubt I am beautiful and loveable but does he really know or understand, but more sadly, do I really know and understand? Can I self validate? After some time, he said his neck was aching, I needed to come down to a level that eases his ache to get more of the ‘medicine’ that I so badly needed. So I stepped down to level up with him and he spoon fed me what I sure could have given myself.

As I allowed him to feed me, he took it upon himself to starve me when it pleases him. So now I begged and cried, longed and yearned for his affection. He told me his love is not free or unconditional, his affection came at a huge price, I had to drop down a few more rungs of the ladder and be at the level below his feet, so that when it pleases him he can walk all over me and that is the price I have to pay for his miserable affection and validation. Like a confused and disillusioned Easu, I gave up my permanent and sustainable birthright for a temporal, short lived weak unsatisfying bowl of porridge! I got fed hapharzardly as long as I remain on that rung and never attempt to continue my climb.

What a price we pay for that we already have? For a kiss I gave up my birthright.

Everyone has them, whatever you choose to call it, be it thorn, cross, shortcomings, inconvenience, handicap or disability. That ‘something’ we don’t want but we have to live with. We can’t wish it away, ignore it away, spend money to get rid of it, time might not even take care of it. It’s ours for the keeps and we don’t like it, it is painful, difficult, irritating, embarrassing, inconvenient. It’s just in the way of who we want to be, how we think we ought to be. An obstacle that can not be shifted, we just have to work round it and that is exactly what loads of people have done. Paul had the thorn in the flesh, Jesus had to carry his cross, Stevie had his blindness, Nick didn’t have arms or legs, Kechi has her Scars, we have the Paralympic athletes with their disabilities etc. I have mammoth admiration for all these people, some where born with the obstacles, others got it later in life.

We know that Paul did not want the thorn and prayed for it to be removed. I have always wondered, all the people I mentioned above and others, do they long and yearn that things are different? Away from the public glare, do they also pray and ask for the thorn to be removed? Do they keep touching the thorn and wishing life was different, or are they immuned from ever wishing things were different? Have they just learn to live with it and develop a resolute and resourceful attitude?

Some of us, our handicap is not obvious, people can’t see it, but it bites us and make our life difficult, we want it gone, we want a different life but it is just what it is. Sometimes it saddens us, makes us despondent and grates at our soul. But live with it we must learn to do and get on with life. We must know how to drag our bad leg along with us and keep moving on in life. The people I mentioned above and thousands of strong souls are showing us on a daily basis how to live with it, not just survive, but live the abundant life with it. Whatever your ‘it’ is. It is all about our inner attitude in the face of those things that seek to quench our spirit, we say ‘no’ to such forces and declare that even with this thorn I will still keep going.

What is your handicap today? Use it as a climbing stone. Let people see that in spite of ‘that’ it is still possible to thrive. Stick to your dream and vision. Dream the dream, live it big, that’s your calling and it does not change because of the thorn. ‘Just do it’ as Art Williams will say. You wake up in the morning and the first thing that happens is your handicap mocks you in the face, you try to get to the bathroom and you fall over because you can’t see or can’t walk, you somehow managed to get to the bathroom and you see your reflection from the burn, the scars scream at you and already you want to park it in for the day, but you don’t give up, you stay focused on the goal. For someone it is internal handicap, you wake up with demon on your shoulder, whispering you will amount to nothing or a deep sense of emptiness and loneliness envelopes your whole being, your longing for companionship goes unfulfilled and it hurts, but in spite of this you keep going, dragging the fiend along, and you go at a speed the fiend can not tolerate, he drops off. You load your being with light, with positivity, you refuse to give up, you carry that bad leg, you don’t cry ‘why me?’, but you compete, you fight the good fight, you achieve the goal for the day, yet you are aching, in pain, in turmoil. You get into flow, some handicap just have to be ignored, like an unsatisfiable irritating child. Some inconvenience are just there to drain us if we stop to feed it, that appetite is a bottomless pit. We must get on with our life. My sense of loneliness seeks to swallow me whole, but I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t allow it. I will maximise my potential to the extinction of the pain. The pain just have to go or quieten itself as I go about achieving my goals. We are not sitting down together going over the same ground, you can try to make me feel as misreable as you like, today I am not doing it, today I am living and wining. I am going to put it in my pipe and smoke it.

Deal with it!

The Birth to life is intense, but there was life before, a different kind of life, there has always been life, different stages, dimensions, awareness, experiences and consciousness. This time around I was coming from the womb, a place of warmth, protection but constriction, I was tied to my Mother, fed directly by her, attached in a way that I did not know who I was. I couldn’t grow much as the space for growth was limited, it was a tight space in every imaginable manner, had to get few parts developed enough to survive the birth canal. In the womb all I did was sleep, eat, grow and minimum movement, I couldn’t go anywhere, explore anything, I couldn’t even fully stretch my limbs. I had to stay in the same position all curled up, yet I felt protected and at peace, innocent and unaware there could be more to my existence. Prior to growing to this size I could swim around and I thought what a large place the world is! The world being the womb, as I grew the ‘world’ became constricted and too defined. I realised the world was more than the womb that fed and protected me.

To see and experience more of the world, I had to go on a journey, pass through the dreaded birth canal, the most difficult passage of all, some did not make it, some came out badly, some traumatised, a lot made through but with their fair share of hardship, yelling there heads out as they emerge, how I wish someone could accompany me, a hand to hold, but no, this is a solo journey, the trip through the darkest and most difficult canal known to man is alone with the exception of a cord, signify the sustenance means, the source of life, the rope of rescue, to come out of the womb into ‘existence’ that which we call it the ‘date of birth’

I was thrust out, wailing and yelling, surrounded by blood, white substance, pooing on myself, my carrier crying as well, in excruciating pain. Every one is in pain, sore and bruised. I was free, but who wants to be free? I haven’t got a clue what to do with my freedom, the world is alien to me. I could see a lot, but I chose to close my eyes as I was use to darkeness. I could stretch my limbs but I chose to remain all curled up as I was use to being constricted. I could observe but all I wanted to do was sleep. I could be conscious yet I longed to be unconscious because being unconscious was all I know.

Today I am feeling a tight squeeze, my senses are telling me that it is time to be born into the next phase, into what? I know not, as I am being urged towards yet the dreaded birth canal, my instinct and temptations is to stay where I am, to continue to be unconscious, all curled up, eating and sleeping and seeing the world as being the little space I occupy. Who wants to go through the darkest, loneliest and most difficult canal? Yet that is the only natural way to be birth into newness and the next stage of life .

Brace up, face the canal and come out into your expansion

Following lock down, I was just forging a friendship with one of the Mums, we are both so excited about each other and talking about what we would do to develop the friendship. I said we could go out for coffee, she said maybe we should do mulled wine in the park, especially as it is cold. Sounded like a fun idea to me, except that I don’t take alcohol, though I didn’t think this was the time to start telling her my dos and don’ts. That got me thinking about social drinking, heavy drinking, how drink loosen a lot of people and allow the otherwise shy, maybe reserved person to come out of his shell. I have heard drinkers tell me how it allows a certain flow when they are with their peers. I have been told by some that they never drink to a state of stupor, they know how to control themself.

This issue of control has always puzzled me, some have been social drinkers all their life, know the limit, use alcohol in a social context and it helps them to forge some long lasting beneficial relationship whereas others with the first sip starts an unconscious downward slope to addiction and destruction. I have heard it said some people just can’t handle their drink. Some people use marijuana regularly and they become creative and give us some of the greatest music, writings, etc other use it and become paranoid and depressive in no time. I am not espousing alcoholism or drug use, but trying to make a point. The same goes for wealth, some people come into money and totally loose their mind, they become arrogant, belligerent, get involve in all manner of unspeakable vice other use their wealth for philanthropic activities and benefit mankind. The same can be said of fame, the more famous and popular some people become, the less in touch with reality they become, they think they are God, full of pride, waddling around like an overfed megalomania. Yet some use the fame to reach and touch the forgotten and deserted, to give a voice to the otherwise unheard

All of these made me think about loneliness. Some people find themselves lonely and engage themselves positively, they develop they minds, body and spirit. They read, write, produce incredible material that progress mankind, they use the quietness and lack of distraction to focus and strengthen their mind. They break through barriers in the spirit realm. They work on their physical bodies. They milk the loneliness for all its worth, they go into battle with that time of aloneness, determined to come out on top and I guess that is what it’s all about. When we find ourselves in times and seasons of aloneness, and loneliness seeks to swallow us up whole, it is battle time, it is fight of the mind, it is far from passive as it seems, a ferocious war is waging, seeking to deter us from our destiny, to slow us from advancing and evolving, to beat us down with the pain of loneliness, to bastardise our minds with depression and victim mentality, to bombard us with untruth about our worthiness, to put us in a state of misery, to tell us we are no good, that is why we are alone, that is why we have no friends, why no one wants to be with us. Yet there is another narative, a better one and the more honest one. The lonely times are special times when barriers are broken, when the curtain is rent into two, when revelations are received, when breakthroughs are discovered, when advanced thoughts are formed, when we are able to go to the top of the mountain and receive the commandent of living a fulfiling life, when the secrets and strategies for a successful life are revealed to us.

How do you handle your lonely times? Can you handle it? Can you keep it together? Can you battle through? Can you steady yourself or do you get intoxicated with excess free time and squander it on aimless pursuit? Do you become despondent and lament your lot in life or do you drill deep and resolve to milk every possible benefit of those times. Do we allow the unseen force determined to cheat us of the benefit of those times to win or do we set our eyes like a flint?

My friend, lonely times are battle times, it is warfare, straighten up, square up, chest up and fight for the advancement of your soul, our enemy will not consume us, we will not squander our lonely times on aimless pursuit or pity party. With strength, with diginity, with integrity we will handle those times and we will come out of each phase holding the fruit of our warfare.

How well do you handle your loneliness?

I was ill, pretty unwell, went to see my physician, describing the symptoms. He had the pills for me, as long as I take the pills, the symptoms were taken care of, however the source or reason for the unwellness was not dealt with, it was one of those ‘you have to live with it and take this pills for life’. Well, at this stage, I was just please to be relieved of my painful symptoms, this was until I collected the medication and read through the leaflet. I felt weak when I saw all the possible side effect, it was a long list, ranging from headache to more serious conditions affecting organs the heart, lungs etc. In panic, I went back to my physician to express my concerns and he allayed my fear, that should I experience any of those side effects, he would prescribe other drugs that can address the side effects and then I asked if this second ‘tier’ drugs were likely to have any side effects and he said ‘yes’ that most medications have possible side effects but not everyone will experience them and should I experience any, there are other drugs to take care of the side effects of the drug that is taking care of the side effects of the first ‘tier’ drugs. I sat in disbelief and I realised that this was a non ending loop, cascading down into overwhelming dependency if not well managed. I left, feeling there must be a better way. The prescription in this case was not the answer, yes there are some benefits, immediate relief, but the long- term side effects outweighs any immediate benefits. With this understanding I started to explore my options, to research my condition, to understand the root cause of my problem. I need to change my lifestyle, endure some discomfort and pain, change my diet, exercise more, reduce stress, commune with my maker, take supplements with no side effects and basically do those things that nourishes my spirit, soul and body, creating an atmosphere for natural healing to take place. With this knowledge I walked away from the drugs, it was hard to start with, the natural option I opted for was not a quick fix and I had to endure a lot of pain.

I relate the above to relationships and other things we do in life. Some people give us the immediate relief from our loneliness, sexual frustrations, emotional needs, physical help, social signalling etc but the side effect of having them in our lives outweigh the immediate benefits. The agitation in our soul after they’ve been, the confusion and disruption they bring. The impact on our self esteem, the lack of harmony, the troubling of the water. Yes, they give us the high, but is it worth the hangover the following day? Is there a better way? Are we better off developing some emotional resilience and patience, enduring and tolerating the loneliness, using the time constructively while we patiently wait for our very own tribe to arrive? Inpatience and inability to tolerate any form of inconvenience sometime is our undoing and we end up having alliance with the wrong people and swallowing those pills that create more problem than solve. We don’t have to do that, we can dig deep, find that inner resolve, in a more natural howbeit slower way, heal our self. This does not in any way negate or condemn the use of medicinal drugs but calling on us to exercise awareness, discretion, consciousness and restaint where possible. We must not always jump to the quick and easy solution that comes with a big price tag, with trouble. We must not jump into alliance with the sweet and charming narcissist that comes with more trouble than can be resolved in a life time. There is a place for ‘no thank you, I will endure for a bit more, I will go for the more wholesome and self nurturing option’. Or ‘I will wait for the right person’

We already know the deal, we things we do, the recreation activities that gives us the pleasure now, but more pain later, no one is saying don’t have a good time, don’t enjoy yourself or don’t have some pleasure, but weigh the good against the bad, weight the regret against the enjoyment and if negative surpasses positive then self love demands we pass. But atimes we are too pressured to think, and that is true, life happens and we make allowance for those occasions, but truthfully the more we incorporate these discipline the better equipped we are to face life when it happens.

Think of the side effects, live consciously, it is called repercussions!

Heal! I yelled at my broken and hurt friend. She sobbed softly whilst ignoring me, she had no more strength to argue, fight or wail. She sat there, head in hands, sobbing her heart out. There is no doubt I wanted to help but my method was questionable. Her pain was becoming an irritation and distraction to me, I wanted things to get back to normal as soon as possible so we can continue to do the things we enjoy and our friendship restored to its happy ebb. I proceeded to make a list of dos and don’ts and thrust it in front of her. ‘You can’t call this person or that person’, ‘you must eat this and not that’, ‘you can only think this and not think that’, ‘do this and not do that’ …. etc. She read the list slowly, lifted her head when she was done and looked at me with disbelief in her eyes. I couldn’t understand the look, all I was doing was trying to help, as far as I was concerned, the quicker we get rid of this pain the better for every one. I guess I was hoping the pain could be wished away, ignored away, maybe disciplined away, overworked anyway, anything , just get rid of it quick and fast. I didn’t even look at the wound, I did not try to understand what brought about the pain, I did not try to nurse it or get someone who knows what they are doing to nurse it, I didn’t bind her wound, I didn’t create a healing environment, neither was I prepared to allow nature to do its slow but steady work of healing. Somehow I felt I had the magical and if I may add unimpassioned power to yank out the pain and force healing.

And who is that friend? The friend here is our heart. Sometime our heart is broken, wounded and confused, in so much more pain than any physical pain and rather than sit down to understand and feel the pain. We want to medicate the pain away, distract the pain away, busy the pain away, silence the pain way, push the pain deep down away and my favourite ‘work the pain away’. Most of us will never treat a dear friend the way I described above, so why treat our heart in the same way? When our heart bleeds and is crushed, it is not for us to play God and question why we should be hurt or how we allowed ourselves to be hurt, or how stupid we are in the first place. This is the time to create a healing and nurturing environment for our heart and extend as much compassion as we can muster to ourselves. And just like our physical bodies, we hand over our broken heart to our maker and allow the kind hand of nature to do its gentle job and slowly, little by little, inch by inch, that heart starts to mend and heal and true, sustainable, long lasting healing is achieved.

Please be a gentle and compassionate friend to yourself and your heart.

‘It’s time to have your shower ‘ I said to my little one and I got the reply ‘but, I don’t want to’. Immediately I knew it was going to be one of those dreaded arguments going to and fro, why I can’t use some of the draconian method that worked during my time beats me. Anyway I said ‘but you have to’ so she said ‘but I don’t like having my shower ‘ so I said ‘you know, ‘like’ has nothing to do with this, because if you don’t shower you will smell’ and she went ‘I don’t smell’ and I went ‘of course you do, you just can’t smell yourself, moreover you perspire’ and she was like ‘I can’t see any sweat and I haven’t exerted myself or left the house, remember it is lockdown!’ So again I said ‘you might not see the sweat or smell yourself, but we can smell you and you need to have a shower!’ Anyway after much draining to-ing and fro-ing she reluctantly gave in and drag herself to the bathroom muttering under her breath how I was some kind of unsavoury mother!

Battle won, I cocked my self-righteous head to one side, wondering if I have been blessed with a dirty lazy child. Little one showered, nice and clean, going about her business. A thought crossed my mind to go and read the self-development book I planned to read and my first response without thinking was ‘but, I don’t want to!’ Surprise, surprise and who is here talking back? So the voice asked me ‘why?’ And I replied that ‘the book was tedious and difficult to read, it forces me to think, consider my ways, make changes, blah, blah!’ And the voice replied ‘how is that an issue?’ I replied, ‘well I am not in the mood, moreover I read a lot than most people and all I want now is some passive entertainment, something that titillates’. Anyway the argument with myself went on and I vehemently stood my ground, giving all kind of reasons (more likely excuses) including how fed up I was, how I know a lot already, how I didn’t believe everything that was written, how the book was boring, how I have grown enough, I am so wise and no one has ever complained about me not being wise etc. Half way into my long winded defence, I caught myself and realised my attitude wasn’t much different from that of my daughter. If anything I should know better. So I likewise reluctantly drag myself to my desk to ‘shower’ my spirit and mind.

To put it in a crude way, we live in a ‘dirty’ world. The same way we need to cleanse our body daily and brush our teeth daily in order not to smell, we need to cleanse our mind, our spirit and our soul. The cleansing we did yesterday was for yesterday’s dirt. Our spirit, our mind, our soul are under constant bombardment from negativity, difficulties, problems, confusion, pandemic, conflicts etc. We don’t need to leave the house, we don’t even need to see anyone, our mind generates enough ‘issues’ in the same manner that the body generates sweat and we need to ‘wash’ it off by the constant renewing of our minds and communion with our maker, in order not to give off an ‘off’ odour. The mind left to itself is like an untended garden, it goes wild and weeds will grow. There is no other way but constant tending to our whole being, body, spirit and soul.

I am sorry but we have to, even if atimes we do it grudgely. Difficulty and feeling is not sufficient reason not to. Growth is our portion, a cleanse mind is the bedrock of innovation.

We have known each other for 30 years. I remember the first day I noticed her, she was wearing a lime green dungarees,  with white cotton shirt, rolled sleeves and collar flying. I wasn’t sure what to make of her, she seemed to me then to be one of those spoilt brat. I know, I  can be quite judgemental even when I  look unassuming and unaware. Let’s just say I  didn’t care too much for her.  She walked over to me and asked to be my friend, I  felt she must have gotten me mixed up or something.  As far as I  was concerned,  we were the most incompatible,  I  was very serious amd sensible, she looked unserious and not sensible. Anyway I have my decent person reputation to protect so agreed to this unequal yorking reluctantly. 

And so our friendship commenced, I was forever trying to get her to tone it down and she was forever trying to get me to live it up a bit. We were definitely not a march made in heaven.  Notwithstanding we kept dragging the ship of our friendship along. One day life threw us apart, school was over and we went our different ways to different states, we lost contact and didn’t hear from each. That was when I  realised how dear my friend really was to me. I missed her sorely, I  made new friends, but none was like my faithful essentric friend. Days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years. All these while my friend remained somewhere on my mind, even if not the forefront.

17 years later I ran into my friend, I  couldn’t believe it was her, she looked different, not just age, she was much calmer and grounded, more so than me, I  must add. How time changes people? We exchanged pleasantries and our phone number. We didn’t hit off on reconnecting or just picked up from where we parted.  A few phone calls here and there and then quiet. It was slow and unpromising,  I  gave up any hope of re-igniting our spark. Then one day I  saw a missed call from my friend. I called her back and she apologised that it was a mis dial, we exchange our usual shallow pleasantries and I  was about to end the call, when I felt I should probe a tiny bit, so I  asked if all was truly ok, she couldn’t hold it together anymore,  she broke down  and told me all she had been going through, it has been a difficult journey, I gasped and empathise with my friend and that was how we started rekindling our friendship.  It started slowly but went from strength to strength. My journey hadn’t been all that smooth either, (whose has been?) Anyway we got to do lot of things together, we would go window shopping together,  (of course we had no intention of buying anything), bowling when we had the money,  we went to the movies, the theatre.  Some times my friend would come to my office, we would eat together, open a bottle of non alcoholic wine, drink and dance around like silly children. We would have deep belly laughter at our silly jokes. Sometimes we would have long walks in the wood appreciating nature, quiet as we take in the beauty. We were such an encouragement to each other. My friend helped me to grow and I helped her as well. Our friendship was a comfort to each other and escape from all our pain and confusion, or at least I thought!

I got a call from my friend today, she sounded low and morose, I was quite concerned, she then apologised to me, saying how sorry she was, at this stage I was very confused. I wasn’t sure if this was a joke I wasn’t getting or something.  But it was no joke, my friend was very serious.  I asked why she was sorry, she told me that she has been advised that because we are from different place and belonging to different class, we were not meant to be friends. I felt a pain go through my heart. I then asked my friend how she felt, she paused for a while and then echoed the same sentiment, my jaws dropped and I  bide my friend farewell.

What is the value of friendship?