… I have neither the time nor the inclination to mince words or waste time. I just want to say it as it is. You are not my friend, you are not anyone’s friend either. But we sure do get the relationship mixed up, we do get it twisted sometimes. Not all of us though, but most of us, I dare say. And not all the time for most, but at least some of the time.

My friends, this is a hard blog with some difficult truth, but I’ve got to say it as I see it. I have to deliver it as it comes. You know me, I don’t hold back on my punches.

You have such an appeal, incredibly alluring, tantalising as they come. Who wouldn’t want you? You appeal to every sense known to man. When you are dolled up, you are just stunning, drop-dead gorgeous, that is you, yes “drop dead” is a deliberate choice of words for that is what you do to people.

The aroma that emanates from you when you are on top of your game, is just spell bounding. You stop both great and small in their tracks. You send people into deep daydreaming, the nostrils become the decision-maker.

Don’t even start me on taste, eminent ones are dribbling and salivating all over the place before you touch the lips. And when you touch the tongue you send people on a journey of discovery, experiences that are beyond description, you bring forth sweet, bitter, sour, deliciousness etc.

I hear you and I stop in my track needing to know where the music is coming from. When you sizzle, I break into a smile and start dancing without any instruments playing, my whole body moves in rhythmic steps. I sway and move my body in anticipation.

Feeling you sends a shiver down my spine. I am all warm and fuzzy. I close my eyes and feel intense pleasure, I dream of journeys to unknown places, uncharted destinations.

I encounter you on various levels, I can’t do without you, none of us can do without you, yet you are not a friend, you are not an enemy either. You give life and yet you take it. Without you, we can not survive, too much of you and we are doomed.

We are not taught how to relate to you, or how to behave around you. Most of us see you and we want you and more and more of you. We don’t always remember we must only have as much of you as is required, not any more. We don’t always know when or how to stop. We are inflicted for we overindulge.

We use you as a comforter, a pacifier, a drug to lift the soul is empty and downtime, but I am not sure if that is who you are.

Like a Mum that says to her daughter “I am not your friend” and a Dad that says to his son “I am not here to be your friend, I am here to straighten you out”. You, as well are not our friend, you are here to do a job, to sustain us, to maintain us, to help us live life and accomplish our purpose. You are a tool of enablement not to be used as one of indulgence.

You bring people together, you break the ice, you enable fellowship, you foster friendship, you broker deals, you help to settle quarrels and banish animosity, you visit the noble and the humble, you can be classy and you can be common, yet you are no man’s friend and you are no man’s enemy. We make of you what we make of you.

Food for the belly, belly for food, they shall all perish. Handle food with care. It is not a friend!

… Love is the only language I speak, I speak and hear no other language. Love me and you have me eating out of your hands. It is that simple. Love softens me, love compels me, love makes me malleable. Love me and I am yours. Love to me is that rudder that moves the ship that is my heart. Love is that force that makes me do more and more and more than you ever ask or long for. Love compels me, it energises me, strengthens me, stabilises me, empowers me, love causes me to move the mountains for you. Love wakes me up in the middle of the night to ask about your wellbeing. Love is truly beautiful.

I respond to nothing else, guilt shuts me up, anger immobilises me, entitlement irritates me, judgement and criticism distance me. Demand is a no-no. Insistence will not do the job, tantrum is childish, I am a grown-up, and I don’t do childish stuff. Neediness is unnecessary, all you get is a pity, pity is not love but a weak attention pacifier.

Love me one and I love you two, love me and I love you more. Love me more and I love you even more. Love me now and I love you now and then. Give me some love and I give you some more love. You can’t outlove me, pour in a bit and I will pour in a little bit more.

Love me and I have your back, I overlook your flaws, I forgive your errors, I keep no records of wrongdoings. Love does not hurt, I will not hurt you and you will not hurt me, love is gentle, love is kind, love compels me.

… now I know that rattles you but how else would I get your attention? I also know that smoke and fire are probably coming out of your olfactory right now, but honestly, calm down, I mean no offence but I needed to have this conversation with you. I have been trying to find the right time, right word and possibly the right language to communicate with you but it has been tricky, now seems as good as any because I guess if I wait for the perfect conditions I will never sow or get anything done.

You have been around me some and I am grateful for your presence, you have helped me in ways I can not fully articulate, you have given me choices I otherwise wouldn’t have had, you have enabled me to reach out further than I thought I could or would have. You have even calmed me down in the face of some pressure and situation. You have said “if it is a money situation, I am here!” and you know all of that has been good, very good indeed.

And to be honest with you, I want you to stay, I want you to even come with other members of your family. So let me put it out there so you understand exactly where I stand. This is not about pushing you away or insulting you. I guess the heading does provoke some emotions. As I said I needed to get your attention. So, let’s stay good!

Now, down to the nitty-gritty, I don’t think you are that much into the ‘value thing’, you know, the choosing carefully who you go to, being selective, looking out for morals, manners, good attitudes, decent behaviour. I guess you are not Santa, you know Santa visits if you are good and he comes with presents. It seems you don’t care about being good or not being good, your decision processes are somewhat different.

You know, I have observed there are some people with lots of money, I mean they are swimming in this stuff and they are good decent people, kind as they come, generous to the  T and very well ground. Beautiful, beautiful people. But I have also met some very ugly people, ugly inside and outside, as mean as hell, awful, awful people, sour and off, yet they still have loads of money.

The one, that never ceases to puzzle me, is that I have met some very sharp people, intelligent with a razor-sharp brain, kind and selfless, incredibly giving people and they are as poor as a church mouse. Money! don’t you like these kinds of people?

At the same time, I have seen some fools, I know I should never refer to anyone in such a manner. But if the word exists I guess some people must qualify to bear it. But, let me rant please, I am saying some people don’t seem to have an iota of intelligence or decency and yet swimming in this stuff. And I have wondered how does this works.

At the same time, I have met some pretty decent people, when they don’t have much of you but with time as they acquire more and more of you, they morph into this ugly monster, becoming arrogant and unreachable. What is it about you, that does this to some people?

Yes, we have heard that the love of money is the root of all evil. Now, you see this is quite a delicate relationship. I need to have you around and get things done, but it seems I can’t love you, at least if I don’t want to be evil. And I sure don’t want to be evil. We have to find a way to make this work. Don’t be upset I called you rude, I just find your choices sometimes questionable. This is purely my opinion and observation.

… you did a stellar job, I must admit in dismantling the lie, at least the way I see it. You went to the root and I painstakingly took it out, strand by strand, the gingerly balanced structure came tumbling down, slowly at first, but then picked up momentum as you went for the structural support. It is sad to see the once-proud, strong, forebearing, ancient and study tree descend. Why would someone, or a group of people build a structure laced with layers and layers of lies? And how did the structure hold up for so long? if its support is truly compromised. Millions, yes millions have sought and obtained shelter under its structure, so how can it be untrue? How can a weak structure, if it is truly weak, house so much for so long? Maybe there is some stability mixed in with compromise? Maybe there is some truth mixed in with lies? Maybe there is some strength mixed in with weakness? I am saddened, I lie not because you made sense. I wish you didn’t point out the flaws. I didn’t know I would see the day when I will claim to prefer blissful ignorance, well the day is surely upon us.

Do you know why? Because you have done a lousy job of building the truth, of outlining the right path. You have mumbled through your discourse. Your presentation is weak, very weak indeed. You have left us exposed, cold at the mercy of the elements. You took away our clothing because it is worn and tattered but you left us naked, maybe not naked, but all you gave is a threadbare string to cover us up.

So where do we go from here? We are homeless now! You sound homeless as well. You are neither here nor there, you still try to loan some covering from the structure you have condemned. I guess this issue is not as simple as you make it out to be. I guess it is always easy, much easier to dismantle but not that easy to build back up. It is very difficult. And maybe, just maybe, all structures will have compromise built into them as long as mere mortals are the builders. And I guess we all have a responsibility to bear as we dismantle the tree and put the axe to the trunk of the tree or the digger to its root. Man is not made to roam unsheltered and unless we can provide alternative shelter, is there something to be said for leaving the existing shelter as it stands?

A few days ago I shared on my blog how life sometimes provides us with bitter pill to take and the only way to get it down is to dilute it, take it with something else sweet, and water it down to make it digestible.

I have had a situation when the bitter pill arrived and there is nothing sweet I can find in my own home, the cupboard was empty, the fridge was mean looking, everything was either bitter or sour, or at least that was how it seemed to me. At the same time, I understood that for my pill to get down I needed a dollop of sweetness.

I went to my first neighbour to check if there was any sweetness in the house, it was all bitter, misery sure loves company, as I started my story of woes, neighbour one could not wait to outdo me, sharing how bad things are and all the calamity he has been through. As I listened I felt my spirit dip. And I kept saying to myself “I am not going down” whatever the case may be. A friend once corrected me that the language should be “I am going up”. I quickly realised that the only way was down as long as I kept reciting my misery and keeping company with such. I quickly offered my encouragement and condolences and moved on. Neighbours two and three were not much different, they had a few trials and tribulations that required airing out, my bitter pill was not getting any easier to swallow, it was stuck in my throat like a lump. I was beginning to despair of life.

And then I got to neighbour four, he had good news! I almost bite off his hand! I was super excited. I was somersaulting and tumbling all over the place. Dancing and twirling, I was going up, this is my news, this is my victory as far as I was concerned. He got something he had been trying for years. Nobody was going to deprive me of the full force of partaking and rejoicing. I needed badly to dilute my bitter pills, I needed to ease and soften my pain and the only way was to appropriate and be part of another person’s joy. We rejoiced together, he was happy, I was happy, that was all that mattered. My bitter pill went down easier. Rejoice with those who rejoice!

Day in and day out I was at the marketplace, screaming at the top of my lungs, yet without saying a word, silent as a church mouse, looking for want I did not know. I did not know I was looking for anything or anyone, I just knew I was compelled to be at the marketplace. I would go from stall to stall, shop to shop, I will pick up all manner of things, some I bought, others I just picked up, looked at and drop.

I go home, but the following day I was at the marketplace again, talking to everyone and anyone, the traders, buyers and sellers, window shoppers, shoplifters, young and old, they were all there. Some were seekers like me and they did not know, we all thought we were in the marketplace for a different reason than we were. But we never found what we were looking for, so we were compelled and had to keep coming back.

You were a seeker as well, unknown to you. You brought your wares to the market and went about your business. Selling as best as you knew, taking your proceed and going away. But you kept coming every day, arranging your wares and attending to business.

A day came, we met and we stopped, we stood still,  you stopped selling and I stopped buying, neither of us came to the market for ‘things’ we came to find each other, the trade ended, the business was over.

We found each, we held on to each other, we left the market the same day and we never returned to the market. There was no reason to, the compelling force was gone. The market had delivered. I did not know I was looking for you.

Yes, all of it, nothing was saved. This was the verdict from my Samsung Customers Service consultant when I took my beloved S7 in for a needed checkup. The phone had stopped responding to anything. Everything on the phone was gone and he handed back the phone to me like a newborn baby, fresh and uncorrupted. I looked at the blank phone, clean as day and for a few minutes, I mourned the loss of everything on the phone. I know what you are thinking “please don’t tell me she did not backup!” Well, I  am not going to answer, safe to say “it is all gone!”

After my ‘mourning period’ was over. It only lasted a few minutes as I said. Something amazing happened, I  started to feel a lightness, it dawned on me I no longer have to battle with excess information, the numerous apps I was hardly using,  the endless conversation I felt I might need to refer to one day, the self saving WhatsApp video and photos that were clogging my phone. Okay, I admit I will miss and possibly need some, but it is a new day and I could start afresh, with new thoughts, new conversations, new chats, and new photos, I could see my phone as a child seeing something for the first time. Okay, maybe that is stretching the truth too far. But I was pleased to have the opportunity to start again. Until I needed to make an important call, and then realised I didn’t have the number, oops!

Then I  remembered ‘Smartswitch’ the facility that allows me to transfer all information from my previous phone and before you could say ‘Jack’ I had transferred all my legacy information back onto the newly cleaned phone. Some were a bit dated, all was back, the good, the bad and the ugly and yes I was able to make my much-needed call, but my lightness was gone I felt the weight of overload again. I was back to ‘too much’.

Our lives can be like that when it is just too much and we don’t seem to be able to let it all go so that we can start afresh or focus on the essentials. We all get clogged up in various areas of life, physically our wardrobe is full, our desk is overflowing, our mind is overloaded, our relationships are overstretched and we wonder why we are not making the progress we ought, we are overburdened and then we crash from the weight of life. When we get the opportunity to let it all go so we can breathe and experience lightness, we find we are too attached. We want it all, we feel we need all of it as our life we come to an end without it all. Maybe we should just let it all go, so we can experience the lightness, the freshness to start anew.

Why did you run away? You knew I needed you, yet you ran. You heard my cry, yet you ran, you saw my helplessness, yet you ran. You told me you were here, but no, you weren’t.  You said “call on me any time, I will answer”, but you did not answer. You saw me coming and you ran. You said you will be my friend, but you weren’t.  You are not unfriendly but you weren’t my friend. I wanted you, you could tell.  Or could you not? I doubt it! Were you busy, yes you were, but that is not it? You had to run.

Why did you run? I keep asking, where you running to something, no! You were running away from me. But Why? What is so scary about me? No, I am not scary. I stir up something in you. My energy conflict with yours? Does my person intimidate you? But you have it all! Maybe it is not about me, maybe it is about you, maybe you are not running from me, maybe you are running from you, maybe you don’t want to be seen. But what are you hiding then?

Now, I know why you ran, now I know why you ran! You are not running from me, you are running from me seeing you. My eyes are too prying and you don’t want to be seen. You are right, I do see you, and you are good, you are very good, you are okay, you can stay, you don’t need to run anymore.

I  am unknown, I am unknown, I am unknown!!! With my hands up in the air I ran around carefree. Screaming at the top of my lungs. No one seems to know I am here. I am as free as in the wild, I can do as I please, I can say whatever I like. No eyes are watching me, no ears are listening to me.

I am free, free, free! There is something to be said for being anonymous. Without the prying eyes of the crowd checking out every move, pointing out every blemish. The freedom to unreservedly express oneself, the opportunity to stand and watch, and observe what comes out without the pressure of censorship. The beauty of allowing it all to hang out as nature intended. Wandering around without having to check behind, having the assurance that no one is looking.

The beauty of being known to very few. We are accustomed to our very self conscious existence. Our constantly pandering to whatever will provide the approval and ‘likes’ of people.

Who would we be, truly be? If we don’t feel we have to please man? If we know no one is watching and no one knows or cares we are there? Maybe we will breathe, maybe it will just be bliss, pure bliss!

Yes I ordered a cake! A simple small iced beautiful cake. I  was hungry,  I  wanted to eat my cake ‘now’. My cake arrived in a cake box.  It felt heavier than I expected but who am I to argue if life chooses to give me more than I expected or ordered, I reasoned. As I  lifted the box I felt movement, not of a whole but movement of parts. What happened to my cake?  I asked. Maybe it broke in transit? I felt disappointed, but I consoled myself that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter, the cake will be broken anyway in my mouth, I will chew the life out of it, what is important is to have every part of the cake in the box.

I opened the box, and everything was there and more, but what I got was not what I was expecting.  I got the ingredients! not a baked and iced cake! Not a decorated cake, no cake, period! Loads and loads of ingredients, I was in a good mind to return all of it or just get rid of everything. Too disappointed to go through the trouble of returning I started to empty the box in the bin and as I got to the last but one item,  I saw the recipe book, showing various recipes of all that I could achieve with the ingredients. The book had many pages with beautifully illustrated pictures and step by step guide on “how to”, my mouth started salivating as I leaf through the recipe book. I have never baked a cake in my life, I always get them ready baked, slowly I retrieved all the ingredients I emptied into the bin. I carefully clean them up and arrange them on the shelf.

Within a few days, I got all my baking utensils, donned my baker’s hat and apron, and commenced the steep learning curve of baking and decorating a sumptuous cake. With a steady mind and hand, I found the guide was not difficult to follow, in no time I was weighing,  mixing, rubbing, stirring, beating, folding etc My mixture was taking shape and it was time to turn it into the baking tin and put into the oven, within a few minutes my house was filled with the lovely aroma of freshly baked cake, my house had never smelled like that before. It was the most glorious smell, I was still all covered in baking flour as I sat back to savour the sweet smell. I couldn’t believe how much I missed out on by buying a ready baked cake. The process of baking brought unique satisfaction.

I tucked into my freshly baked cake, divine! The taste was second to none,  I  stood transfixed in the journey of discovery in my mouth, what an experience!  Very much worth the wait and effort.

Yet I ordered a cake when all I needed to order all along were the ingredients. Thank you for not delivering what I ordered, thank you for delivering what I needed.

I iced my cake, what a beautiful cake it is. Happiness is surely a piece of cake. We approach life and order a cake, life said ‘no’ and gave us ingredients, we are distraught and dumped the ingredients in the bin, maybe,  just maybe we should fetch out the ingredients and start baking. Maybe the happiness and fulfilment we seek is not in the eating but in the process of making, baking and smelling the beautiful aroma of baking.  I ordered a cake!