… we know the truth, we have knowledge, we have understanding of the matter, of the issues, yet we sometimes continue to operate in the untruth, we see ourselves, we see our behaviour, we see our manners and it is contrary, contradictory to that which we know and embrace in our mind. We seem too powerless to push ourselves into the truth we know, we move towards it but at a speed that can be incredibly frustrating, it truly lingers, the permeation of the truth into our conduct is a process. While we want to violently uproot, jerk or yank ourselves immediately from our untruth and steadfastly plant ourselves in the lush grounds of truth and all that furthers growth, it rarely happens in that manner, it just lingers, slowly dragging its feet in the manner of one that is in no hurry to get any where.

We know it, we have read enough of it, we have listen to enough talk, we have even been the ones giving the talk, we know we should eat heathy, exercise and do what is right for our bodies and health, yet we struggle and stagger towards this goal. The truth we know takes time to become part of our repertoire.

Race issue is a big one for me, we know that melanin accounts for the difference of the shade of the skin and that one race is not superior or inferior to another. Some don’t know it and persist in their ignorance but others do. Yet amongst those with knowledge, we still find them relating in manner that is contradictory to these knowledge. The black man, while not making full obeisance is still deferring unnecessarily to the white man and grinning sheepishly in his presence. The white person why not outrightly lording it over the black person is still swaying around with a chip on his shoulder, looking down at the black person from the tip of his nose like he owns the world and is the Lord of the manor. Both goes home and ponder his ridiculous behaviour or at least the black man does, as he is the one in the disadvantage behaviour cycle. He resolves to brace up and stand straight, yet he finds himself slopping and slouching every now and them. It does linger!

All we can do is persist in that which we know and understand, one day our grace will be perfected and there will be no sloppiness or slouching, we will stand tall and straight, chest out, shoulders square, all sucked and tucked in and that will be day when it is over.

In the meantime, it lingers!

… at the tightest spot, the seam always give sooner or later. As long as we are growing and the garment is static, the once loose garment will become fitted before becoming tight, too tight and painful and them boom, the burst or the tear as the seams that holds it together gives way.

As long as we are growing, when we reach the stage of conflict, it is the garment that gives way, we can’t shrink or retard to accommodate the garment, it must give, it must surrender. We started life fitting well into the garment because we were small and young and all seem well, the seams seem strong and able to accommodate our size, to be honest no one even looked at the seams, we weren’t anywhere near it, there was nothing to worry about. And some never grow, they remain small and young and the garment forever fitted. But those that choose to grow will notice the stretching of the seams before it eventually gives. This is the stage when thinks don’t make sense any more, it no longer addd up, we no longer want to pretend, the previous answers or explanations no longer suffice, this is just happening in one area or spot to start with. It is too tight, we have grown and it is causing too much pain. Yes, we have had calories and we can see the result in our bodies, we have seek the truth and it has started coming in to us, our minds are being renewed, we have broken the darkened glass and the light is beginning to shine through, we have stuck our heads out of the window and we are seeing views we did not know existed, we are also beginning to see that the sight is limitless.

We tried to patch up the one place where the seem gave, then it gave in another place, and another place and yet anothet place. Wr patched and patched and patched, untill it became very clear that we were too big for the garment or the garment was too small.

But what do we do as this is the school uniform and all the students must wear the same, also we have the largest size available. We have outgrown the uniform and the school does not provide our size. It seems it might be time to leave the school. What a sad day, we never thoughts we will leave school, but the uniform no longer fits! The seams has given all over and the garment is no longer wearable.

Growth is inevitable when we consume calories so is truth inevitable when we seek sincerely and earnestly. Sooner or later we outgrow the garment and the seams give.

We have to leave all our friends behind in the school uniform and this is the hardest part of growth, the parting, it is the price we have to pay to be next level, to play at next level.

Whenever the seams give, we have to move out and move on, no point in lurking around the school perimeter.

… the water was filthy but not a single one of us knew it. Hold on, maybe the elder knew but none of us younger ones were aware. We’ve never experienced anything different, so we didn’t think to question it or seek better or different. We weren’t brought up to question anyway or visit any other pool. Our’s was the best and the only water worth bathing in.

Some of us were getting sick from the dirty water, but we were told we did not scrub hard enough, so we put more grease to the elbow and scrub even harder. We were bruised, torn and grated and they applauded us for our commitment and diligence to the sickening fluid.

We were made to drink the water as well and we were all swollen and contaminated. Swollen head full of ignorance and lies with swollen stomach full of contamination. We were all fenced in and look the same with the same pitiful appearance but we knew no better or no different. The air we breathe was polluted with the pollutant from the water.

Then the day came when one of us escaped to try a different water just for comparison and we deemed him a traitor, a deserter, we ostracized him and banished him. He tried to tell us there is water outside the camp and the water is clean, but we wouldn’t even listen, talk less reason, he is outside the camp, he has bathed and drank a different, (howbeit clean) water. Therefore he can not be trusted.

A day came , when inadvertently, it was unplanned, definitely accidentally (at least that is what I believe) I found myself beside a different pool. Don’t ask me how I got there, but there I was. The water looked cool and calm, it was very clear, I had never seen water look that way. This was different, very different from what I was use to. I was puzzled, confused, convinced something must be wrong. Either I was going blind or mad or both, clean, clear water does nor exist outside my camp!

I needed to have a bath anyway and I was far from home, so I jumped in and cleaned myself, the feel of the water on my face was soft and soothing, my nostril enjoyed the pleasing delicate natural fragrance of the water, surprisingly I felt squeakily clean, there was none of that slipperiness that follows with the other water. This water was light, fluid and flowy. I came out fresh, clean and scarred. Scarred that this can’t be happening, shouldn’t be happening! I calmed myself down to reflect on my experience. No harm was done, but I was brought up in fear and terror of repercussions and punishment if I ever looked, not to talk of bath in a different water. Damnation was my lot.

I sat my clean self on a clean bench and I reasoned, will I be damned for bathing in and drinking clean clear water?

The jury is out!

… I was born with holes, loads of them, I don’t know why, but that was how my maker created me. I went through life seeking to have my holes filled. I pluged all kind of stuff in to try and fill the holes, but they were never the right size. They filled the gaps somewhat, but what a poor fit! Square pegs in round holes, they scratched and grated and in the end had to be painfully removed, in the process creating more holes and making the existing ones larger.

I met a few self proclaimed hole fillers, but they were far from it, very much so, the sight of my holes terrified and confused them, they fainted like an inexperienced expectant first time father in the delivery ward. Time did not turn them into the needed hole filler rather they became excavator and made more holes. I became more holey and pained, going from one quack hole filler to another, suffering non stop in the hands of the imposters. Whether the imposters knew or not that they were not cut out for the role is unclear, but they sure created a lot of mess. They was no remorse whatsoever, like the builder from hell, they destroyed the house and with the arrogance and ignorance of the rascal they moved on to the next unsuspecting person. They had no equipment, no tools, no skills, no calling, no passion, no insight, no interest, no capabilities, no love! Yes, no love for the job. It is a job afterall. They hated holes, couldn’t stand the sight of holes, didn’t understand holes, didn’t want to know or learn, yet they put themselves forward as holes filler. Why? Some for filthy lucre, some for lack of direction, some to join the joneses, others were just simply clueless, fumbling along in the dark with the clumsiness of an Armadillo. Most should be locked up for the damage caused.

Then came the day, he turned up unannounced, unpromising looking with his pouring can in his hands. Nothing in his appearance to make us consider him, yet he was the one. Like a seasoned road worker, he was equipped for the role. His calling was to repair broken road, to fill pot holes, to mark territories, etc . With the skillset of a veteran craftsman, he set about filling my holes. With love, care, kindness and tenderness he tackled the road. He filled the potholes, cracks and surfaces, he leveled, tarred and marked it and created a smooth marked road for all to travel on.

All that travel my road commented on what a level road it was and how smooth there journey was. I told them I was once very holey, but the hole filler, the road worker came and fill my holes.

Blessed by the hole filler, the road worker!

… I was told my task and I accepted it. Nobody told me it was impossible and I had no way of knowing. They said it was my role and I embraced it wholeheartedly. I was determined to give it my very best, to excel at it. I tackled it with gusto, I read up on it, I observed the very best at the craft and I plunged in, but how was I to know it was impossible?

From day one, I did not meet the expectations, so I put in more, I still was not meeting the bar, so I put in some more, no I was not there, so I put in even more, until I put in every last bit of what I had, but it still was not good enough. My blood, my sweat, my prayers, my fasting, my person, all went in. I lost my self, my self esteem was gone, my confidence was shattered, I look lost because I was truly lost, I wished for it to end, I dreaded the task, I was tired, no not tired, exhausted and drained. I had applied every knowledge, every wisdom, every initiative, all my resourcefulness had gone in. I felt I was no good, absolutely terrible and I knew not why. I was terrified, I was depressed, I was anxious, I was angry, I felt imprisoned, sentenced for life! I saw no way out, I was hemmed in on every possible side. The prison fortress was fortified, it was very strong.

And then one day, they allowed my out for fresh air, I felt the breeze on my skin and tasted the air on my tongue and my soul tasted freedom, it was sweet, sweeter than any prison food. And that was the day I knew it was an impossible job I signed on to. If I lived to a thousand or died a thousand times I could not fulfil the requirements. I set my self free to stop trying and my soul was restored, my gaze lifted, my face shone, my life came back, my song could be heard, my person revived, my destiny continued, my dreams reappeared, my stride was strengthed, my conversation was engaging, my presence came alive.

I looked back and I wondered, why did I sign on to the impossible task? I did know and noboy told me, I was told it was my role. No, it is not my role, it is nobody’s role. It is an impossible task!

Sometimes we find ourselves in life sucking situations, relationships, jobs and we are told that is just the way it is meant to be. I beg to differ, any thing that makes us long to not be, in my opinion must be reviewed critically. Any relationship that sucks the very essence out of us is questionable. Life, after all is for living and if the desire to live is reduced or removed because of a relationship or situation, we must make adjustment.

Regrettably some very close relationships are impossible, could be husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, parent/child, siblings, friends, religious leader/follower, employer/employee, client/contractor, student/teacher or school etc the list sure goes on.

Life is for living, not wishing for the end.

If it is impossible, get out!

Resign!

… generally I think I am pretty ok with myself, there are a few bits and pieces I will prefer were moulded slightly different, like if I had my way, I will probably be less generous on the waist and be kinder on the hips. But these are nothing in the larger scheme of things, so I take what I am given and swing with it and usually I am very grateful.

But there are those few occasions when I truly wish I was not me. Those times when I face certain vulnerabilities, those times when I love too much, when I empathise deeply, when I feel the pain of physical or emotional separation or withdrawal. Those times when I wish I could lie, when I wish that I don’t care and therefore not feel the pain of caring. Those times when I have great ideas, goals and aspirations but my physical strength would only take me so far. Those times when I want to soothe so many pains, put my hands will only reach so far, those times when I truly want to understand but none of it, not a single one of it makes any sense. Those times when I want to reach God, but He doesn’t seem to exist. Those times when I long to be flawless and all I do is create chaos etc

I guess those times when I behave like a human being, like mere mortal and I just wish I was different, I was divine. Those times when I wish I can take off this garment of mortality, this garment of corruption and put on immortality and incorruption.

That will not happen in this body and I must just learn to accept that His grace is sufficient and that there is a greater one, a greater hand that stirs the course of this life.

Selah!

… pain came knocking, I didn’t see his face but I got a whiff of who it was and I took to my heels, I ran for cover. I ran to friends and family, they gave me temporary cover, but they couldn’t give me permanent cover neither could I keep going to them. They knew I was running from something or someone and not coming to them out of love, so they treated me like him that was running from something or someone.

So I ran to food, food gave me a temporary cover in the form of comfort. But it was a deceptive comfort, it slowly destroys once I overdid it. Food did not shield me from pain in the end.

So I ran to infatuation, to romantic love, what an illusion! It was over before it even started. It gave a high, an incredible high, but all that just disappeared in a vapour!

So I ran to sex, and all I got was 15mins relief, temporary pleasure each time and life time of regret afterwards. It ceases to be worth the trouble after sometime.

So I checked in to work and buried myself in my craft, I hustled day and night, knowing little sleep, I had money but no relief. My eyes were forever watching my back.

I decided to try prescription drugs, it gave more pain, period!

I stepped up to alcohol and recreational drug and I entered the den of the devil. The only way was down, deep deep down. A fallacy of the highest order.

I tried retail therapy and I got things and load more of things, what an emptiness those things brought! my bank account didn’t fare well either.

I succumbed to depression and coiled up, refusing to get up, I made myself miserable, truly miserable and I longed for the end, I cried out but none answered.

So I tried religion and I cried out to God, I didn’t hear a word, but I think He heard. Someone told me He did hear and He replied back, that He said “His grace is sufficient for me”.

I went to talking, long, passionate, energetic conversations, I talked and talked and talked to rid myself of my pain. But at the end of all my talking, my pain was right there, asking for engagement.

I went to social media, I checked everyone’s wall on Facebook, I read everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, the edifying, the non edifying, I read it all! I went to youtube and I watched and watched and listened and listened, from educating and informing videos to brain numbling ones. I went to Instagram and scrolled through countless pages, pictures, write ups in stupor like manner, I did my time with social media.

My pain came, like a traveller it came, ready to consume me whole, my pain came in the form of loneliness, like a deep engulfing ocean, mouth wide open, seeking to swallow me, the whole me, my essence. It was merciless, determined, ferocious as hell, demanding attention, banging earnestly. Like an insatiable whirlwind, like a sunami sweeping up everything in its path. I took to my heels again, and started running as fast as I could, faster than I ever ran, seeking all and any cover.

But something stopped me suddenly in my track! I stopped abrupt! I took a very deep breath and slowly I turned and faced my pain. I took in every single detail of the enermy, for the first time I saw every facial detail of whom I was running from. I saw my pain in all its ugly details. Carefully and purposefully I moved forward with eyes of a warrior and the resolve of a diehard soldier.

Today, I stopped running, I stopped seeking for cover. I stopped putting up a barrier in front, I tossed away the pacifier, the comforter, the buffer, the absorber. I stripped off the soft garment and geared my self up in war gear, my boxing gloves on, I entered the ring and I looked my pain in the eye, eyeball to eyeball I squared up to my pain and we did battle. No one is going home tonight, no one is running for cover, no one is throwing in the towel. One of us must go down. I stood my ground, pain stood his ground, we battled it out, one of us went down and it wasn’t me!

Having done all to stand, stand!

I stood!

… I arrived bemused, wondering how I got here and why I am here in the first place. I was perfectly happy and satisfied where I was, thank you! Why was I forcefully pushed out into this place? What is this feeling in my stomach, in my body? And what are these big blurry beings doing? They seem to be shuffling around!

Ok, so I am fed and clothed and held, I have slept and I seem reasonable ok, these big beings are still shuffling and moving in and out of focus. What exactly are they doing and where are they going? I must find out!

Wow! I can hardly move any part of my body! Can’t even lift my hands, my eyes don’t even open very well, but I really need to see what they are up to. I better do some yelling, the last time I tried, it worked. So off I went, crying, someone rushed in and lifted me up and took to the other room. It worked! I know what to do next time I need something. Well, it is good to be able to see whay goes on in this room, I just wished I could have come for myself without having to raise the alarm.

Ok so I woke up today, I can actually do a bit more with the legs, I can lift them up and chew my toes. I am not sure how this is going to help my walking ambition, but I guess it is some progress, I hope it us in the right direction though. I really want to walk.

Today, they have put me propped up on some cushions and dressed me up in some fancy clothes, I am not sure exactly why, they are all dotting around and flashing light around my eyes. My neck is not even standing still, it is flopping to the side. I think I am about to slide of these cushions, where are they all gone now? I think I get yell again! I just wished I could walk. Off I go crying again and they are here.

Today my neck feels strong and my head is not wobbling all over the place, I can see another small human being, he actually seem to be the same size as me and hold on! What is he doing? Is he walking? His looks a bit strange, but he is moving, I guess I must giving this walking a try. Oops! Flat on my face, I go. That really hurts. I better cry again. I really want to walk!

Today I can sit unaided, I don’t need any of those silly cushions any more. Now they have put me on the hard flow, maybe I can find away to move forward. It is time to find out what really goes on in this house! It is hard quite hard, but it seems if I shuffle my bum forward I can make some small movement, not eactly the speed or distance I was aiming for, but I guess a little progress is better than nothing. I still want to walk, this bottom shuffling is not really what I am aiming for.

Today I have a different strategy, maybe if I put my two hands forward in front of me on the floor and lift my bum up, I might actuallt get around faster. It actually work! It is faster than the bottom shuffling. But it is not walking, you need to be straight to do that! This movement I do, so said it is crawling, does not allow to see above a certain level. I really need to walk.

Now, what have we got here! They have put me inside these thing and I can actually simulate walking, not bad, I think it is called a walker. Oops! Just bumped into somthing! Oh dear, I can’t fit through that space. I guess I have to get out of thus thing and walk with my two legs. How do you even get out anyway? I really don’t know, I better cry. There they come, just get me out please,’ thank you’. I really want to walk.

Today, I must walk, maybe I should steady myself on my two legs first. Oh no, this is much harder than I thought! ‘I am wobbly!’, ‘I am wobbly!’ I think I will fall. Actually, I am still standing, maybe I should just start walking with one leg, one in front might work. Oops! There I go on the ground again. I will just keep trying, I really want to walk.

Today, I took a few steps, I fell a few times, but I kept dusting myself up and standing up and trying again and yes I did walk somehow.

Today, I am a grown up and I walk properly, but I want to run, I want to be fit, I want to be strong, I want to be toned, I want to be healthy, I pray for the resolve, the determination, the focus, purposefulness and grit of a child.

Give me the heart of a child, as I pursue my goals!

… so I am taking swimming lessons. I am committed and giving it my all, at least as best as I know how. Sometimes it is really frustrating because all around me, I see very strong swimmers and I just seem to be taking baby steps, literally! It is interesting that the time of my swimming lesson coincides with a class of pro swimmers. Just observing them is sufficient reason to pack up my efforts and leave or maybe not! Maybe convince and gear me on, to keep trying, believing that more is possible. The race is not to the swift or the strong, afterall time and chance happens to all.

Anyway, the first time I attempted back stroke, the take off was not bad, I wouldn’t say impressive, but nothing disastrous happened and I actually moved or swam as the case maybe. The landing was the problematic part, I couldn’t figure out how to stop, how to end that lap, I flapped around mercilessly, not knowing what to do with my body and how to get myself into a standing position in the pool. My instructor came to my aid by throwing in a rod of some sort that I grabbed on to and use to steady myself. He told me, next time you need to stop and stand, all you do is tilt forward, fold your two legs together behind you, the instruction was pretty clear and I heard it clearly, there was nothing to add or clarify.

So I took off again, reasonably good take off. When it was time to stop, I remembered every word of the instruction, so I told my upper body to tilt forward and my two legs to fold behind, for all you cared, I could have been speaking to a deaf person, either I was not speaking clearly or my body was not hearing clearly, all I know was that my upper body was not tilting forward neither were my two legs folding, one of the legs would actually attempt to bend why the other decides to do whatever took its fancy. So there I was again struggling in the water, and the Instructor at this point was shouting from the edge of the pool, “tilt your body and fold your legs!” and I had to shout back ” I heard you and I told my body, but my body is not doing it!” At this point the instructor went quiet and just dropped the rod, there was nothing else to say. If the head heard and passed the instructions to the body. How do you get the body to comply? Why is the body taking long? I know what tilt means, I know what fold both legs means, and I want to do it. So why is it not happening? I guess the ‘ears’ of the body are different. The reactions time and speed of the body is different. I guess we can only just keep sending the message and trust that at some point it will reach the destination. The body has to be trained to do what it needs to do.

The legs will fold in its time, be patient!

We don’t need more shouting, more teaching, more knowledge, we just need more practice and we would get there. Yes, the legs will fold!

… for my sins, I am attracted to beautiful people, nothing sexual. I like stunning women, especially if they put themselves together well. I like handsome men, I find them pleasing on the eyes. I like people that smile, that have beautiful all encompassing smiles. However I have come to understand that the external appearance does not always tell anything about the inner man.

Lately, my observation (and this purely my observations) and I will also admit that there is a level of generalising. And before I state my observations, I will like to say I consider myself a beautiful person, even if I say so. Now that we have established those facts and prepared the ground. Here goes my obsevation, a number of physically beautiful people are not particularly great on the inside. Some of them are actually quite ugly people within. I must admit some people are ugly both on the outside and inside.

But sometimes, it seems physical beauty makes people shallow, aloof, insensitive, uncaring and just self obsessed. Conversing with such people can be quite draining and empty. And it seems a shame that somehow a lot of effort had gone into producing this physically appealing individual with very little to offer as a person. The beauty becomes a hinderance, blinkers that prevent such from seeing the world as it really is. I am in no way claiming this happens to all physically attractive people, but my experience has shown them to be disproportionate so. On the other hand I have found some of the most beautiful soul and kindest being housed in not so attractive bodies. I am not sure if the moderation in the looks department means these people are just more sensitive, more aware, more grounded, more empathetic. They come across less entitled and more prepared to be meritocratic in their approach to life.

Beauty can be ugly and ugly beautiful, such is the irony of life!