… the questions will come, and nothing will be spared. No area will be overlooked, no stone left unturned. A few weeks ago I was thinking about at least one area I know and I am so sure about myself. Something about me that I felt was core and indisputable, no one can question that, at least not even me, I thought. This then becomes the benchmark for assurance about other areas. I concluded it has to be my gender, I have no doubt in my mind that I am a female, I am quite sure and I felt that others will see the same. As far as I know, I sound like one and I look like one, the reasonable size of the twim being one of the many attesting factor. When we find ourselves in a non validating environment, we are inclined to question and doubt almost everything about ourselves.

So recently I popped into my local shop that I patronise very often. There are only 2 people there, the owners and we know each other reasonably well. The next thing I heard was ‘good morning sir’. What! Where did the ‘Sir’ come from. Ok I was in my full site regalia, hard hat and high-Vis Jacket, I still do not think I look like a ‘sir’. But I guess we can safely excuse this as a genuine mistake due to faulty eyesight or confused identification. But what about when people clearly question who we are, every single thing about us, including our gender!

Santa, was kind to me, I guess I was good (I told you I am!) He popped round Christmas Eve, and amongst other things, dropped Michelle Obama’s book, ‘Becoming’. Apparently this was the hottest book in December, anyway I started reading it and one of the thing that Michelle spoke about in the early part of the book was how all manner of things were said about her and areas of her life questioned, even her gender! I hate to admit it, but I have seem some of those videos that claim she is a man! The interesting part is that some of tbe people that make this claim look sane, intelligent, they are eloquent, articulate and coherent and they put their points forward that she is a man! I have come to the conclusion that not every sane looking person is sane and the gift of the gab is just the gift of the gab, it lends no credence to the content. Some people can talk and talk very well, they can captivate and hold an audience but that does not make what they are saying worthy of any attention.

We live in an information age and freedom of speech is the order of the day, everyone is talking, commenting, blogging, on social media, having a YouTube video etc. And some of the talking is about us, about me and about you, questioning who we are and planting the send of doubt in every fibre of our being. These questioning is not just going on in the technology arena but it is going on everywhere in the one to one conversation, the group gossips, the unspoken body language, the direct and confrontational questioning.

I once put my CV forward for a job and I accept that recruitment agents and employing companies have to do their due diligence and verify things. Anyway, I am blessed to have completed a set of arduous professional examinations over a number of years so I rightfully put it on my CV. Obviously someone liked what they read on the CV, so I got a call, the moment they heard my voice, or maybe the accent, the questions started. ‘Did I sit the exams?’ Yes!, ‘Did I do all the levels?’ Yes!, ‘Did I actually completed everything?’ Yes! ‘Am Actually a Charter holder?’ Yes!. ‘Am I sure, I didn’t stop at level 1?’ Yes!!!!!!!!!. It was already stated on my CV that I was a Charterholder and he could have ask me to send my qualifications/certificates but he didn’t want to do that, he doubted my being and he needed me at some level to question and doubt what I have achieved.

I have so many instances and I am sure most people have, just like Michelle when nothing is ‘sacred’ everything and I mean everything is questioned. Even our very existence is questioned, I have read of stories where rumour is circulated that someone is dead when they are still alive! Weirdly enough, I have also heard that some people we think are dead, especially the popular ones are not dead but still alive somewhere. According to some, their have been sightings of Elvis, Bob Marley, Michael Jackson etc at various places. Why I accept that some of these are truly far fetched, the fact remains that everything about who we are will be called to question.

I have sadly watched a video where seemingly honest people believe, weeping to lend authenticity to their beliefs that black people are animals and that the only people that entered the ark with Noah were white people, so black people had to come from the animals in the ark!

Some school of though actually believe that nothing external exists, it is just an illusion in the mind. This throws everything up in the air and questions all. In which case I do not even exist, neither do you, I am not writing this blog, actually there is no blog etc

There will always be questions, from the simple ones to the very major ones, that truly questions everything we hold dear and sacred about who we are and the world we exist in. The onus is on us, each and everyone of us to know and not constantly look to others for validation, for from time to time they will question and plant the seed of self doubt.

As the renowned song writer wrote “I know who I am”.

The questioning will come, know who you are!

… “I am good!” No kidding, yes you heard right or read right, superlatively good! Why would I say that about myself, you ask? The ‘good book’ said no one is good. What gives me the audacity to proclaim goodness on myself? You ask. Well, it is simple, I have had it! Years of proclaiming and confessing anything but good, of criminalising myself , of telling myself I am anything but worthwhile. Maybe it is time to change the script.

No one is perfect, I accept, however we need not be the ones pointing out our imperfect bits, the job belongs to others! We all have areas we need to work on, that I accept as well, and we do the work, however until the work is started, done or completed, there is no requirement to criminalise, an acknowledgement will suffice. Some truly believe they are absolutely rubbish, that I can not accept and I submit is untrue. Our beliefs about ourselves is fundamentally based on what we have told ourselves repeatedly over the years. We are our own prophet and foreteller. As a man believes, so he truly is. It is not set, we determine it and we can change it, if we want.

I accept that sometimes we find ourselves in an environment from a very young age that feeds the very negative mindset about who we are. And we have embraced this from the years of innocence. I also accept that to change this can be excruciatingly hard as this has become the self identity. But knowledge and awareness teaches that we are not who they say we are. We are who we say we are. The power is in our hands, we are the oracle.

I inherited a sense of humour that I am eternally grateful for, however there is a side to it that I am beginning to question. Self deprecating! One way to making people laugh was always at self expense, saying the most ridiculous thing about oneself and everyone has a good laugh. However this trait became the default mode for every other situation. If we meet someone new and feel nervous or anxious, a self deprecating joke rolls out to break the ice, if we are happy we do the same, sad, you guess it, the same tool is used. Accomplished and not wanting to sound or look arrogant, another ‘self depre’ is thrown in to temper any puffiness and there it goes. This seems harmless for a while except the mind does not always know when the show is over and there are no laughing audience around. The mind is now in auto pilot, the self deprecating, self bashing talk becomes the normal self talk. We need no external critics, no outside enemy, we have created one, on the inside, on call 24/7 , non relenting, never tiring, producing effortlessly, all we need to make our lives a misery. In my opinion this is worse than any destructive drug or substance we can consume. Sad to say, but the venom is produced on the inside of us without any external aid.

The good news is that we can change this, but it takes effort and it takes time, a habit that is developed over decades does not disappear overnight. But it can be done, we can love ourselves to health and wholeness. We can change the language of our self talk. We can give up on the self deprecating talk as a ice breaker and talk about the weather or anything else, otherwise we just allow the ice to remain.

Be your greatest supporter, your greatest champion, your friend, your lover, your cheerleader, there are more than enough critic out there ready to point out all your existing and non existent flaws. Why add your voice to theirs?

It will definitely sound odd to start with and the mind will protest if this is not the normal operatus morandi, but this is about change, change for the better. It might mean being uncomfortablely quiet for a while both within and without because we can’t think of anything pleasant to say about ourselves, but so be it, let the words of our mouth and the meditations of our heart be acceptable and beautifying to our very own soul. Why poison ourself?

As we beautify ourselves, we will have no other choice but to do so to others. This is not about self worship, but self appreciation which I believe is in order. No man can love anyone more than he loves himself. Let charity starts at home. Love your brother as you love yourself. If you hate yourself, you and your brother are in trouble.

Let us unpick, unpack and discard the weight of unsavoury thoughts we have buried ourselves under and wrap ourselves with positive and nuturing self talk.

The love we need is nearer than we thought, it is in our mouth, in our heart, what we seek is not on the outside, it is not in anything external to us. It is right within, we just need to get our house in order for our salvation is much nearer. Let’s put in the work to make our house right.

Live it up, Vintage you!

We’ve all heard it, we must forgive, unforgiveness is toxic, it eats us up, it is destroying, we must not accommodate it and rightfully so. And for that reason we sometimes continue to accomodate the undesirable that should be dropped. We tolerate toxicity and we endure unnecessary pain. Some relationships are done and dusted, truly over, but we hold on for dear life under the guise of some illusive virture named forgiveness. No, we must let go, some people have no business in our lives, even if at some point they did, be it for short or long time and we have no business in some people’s life either, at least not any more, even if we did before. The inability to accept the end of a relationship is one of the most damaging and harmful emotional state we subject ourselves to. It is over, bits are already falling off, mould is growing! But oh no, we must hold on, we must restore, repair, rearrange, reconstitute, restate, re whatever, and the big one, we must forgive! No you must not forgive, for there is nothing to forgive, the relationship has come to it’s natural end, which is why it is falling apart, you must just let go.

We all do it, we reminiscence, remembering the good old days, the beautiful days of the relationship, the happy times, the feĺlowship, the connection, the union, the ‘koinonia’ but sometimes when it is gone it is gone, and when it is over it is over! But how do we stop ourselves from fishing deep down memory lane and bringing out the good old days, parading it around in our mind? How do we stop the longing for what use to be? How do we accept what now is? Without hurriedly grabbing the blanket of forgiveness and haphazardly wrapping it around everything and everyone. By just having the simple understanding that time and season applies to all and not all relationships are everlasting or ever living. No hard feelings, it is just the way it is.

This in no way, exonerate from putting in the effort where a relationship can and should be restored or salvaged. Nor does it mean the shawl of forgiveness should not be thrown where or when it is required. I accept that it can be difficult to figure out which is which. However I believe in those quiet moments, away from the anger or turmoil of heart, when we truly quieten our souls and listen with discernment, we would know. It just means some forgiveness carries the additional feature of moving on and allowing peace to reign for all.

Peace!

… autumn is a particularly interesting time, especially for trees, the ferocity with which leaves drop off, some trees take it better than others. You walk past a once full leafy tree with a beautiful crown and it is bare and bald as can be. A few trees thrive better like Evergreen trees that rarely shed any leaves. But generally most face the same plight.

Experts have advised that trees shed their leaves as a process to preserve and conserve resources. They do it to protect themselves from being blown over. They drop the leaves they can not support with the available soil moisture, especially the brown and old leaves. It is a strategy to survive harsh weather conditions.

I have always wondered if trees have feelings (I guess they don’t) but if they do, how those it feel to be scanty and way lighter. How do they cope and manage the unattractiveness that ensues, how do they hold it together until new leaves start sprouting again.

In a sense, I believe humans go through a similar process. We go through our ‘Autumn’ in life when things drop off, people drop off from our life. Sometimes it is a harsh Autumn. Parents move on to yonder, we loose contact or connections with friends, loved ones are no longer in love with us. Colleagues move on etc. Some people we have to deliberately drop off to conserve resources. Like the trees we do not have enough ‘moisture’ to absorb their dramas. Our life feel very bare, sparse and lonely, we are balding in the open view of the whole world. We are not sure how to handle the Autumn season of our life. Our once leafy and full crown is shedding rapidly and we are thinning out. It is truly a scary season!

But a ‘season’ it is! As long as we understand this and can hold on to this truth then we can weather the storm, ride the waves without being blown away, knowing that sooner or later the season will be over, winter will come, the dropping off will stop, but it will still be cold before Spring and then life will come back to us. We will get back the spring in our step. The old brown leaves are gone, as long as we open ourselves to the new season, as new green leaves grow again on the tree, so our lifes will flourish with new fulfilling relationships and adventures.

We long for the old brown leaves because of the emptiness, the void, the effect of the wind on our branches and trunk, we feel it all to our core and we long for shelter, softening, comfort, refuge, redress name it, comfort will come, but we need to sit it out, endure the harshness of the elements on us and then we are ready for new green leaves, not pasting back brown old leaves, that wouldn’t do, some relationships are similar, they were once green and lush, but now arw old and brown and dropping off but we are busy holding on for dear life, we must let go and embrace the new freshness that is to come.

Hold on, hold tight, for Autumn is just a season! Your full crown will be back.

… one of my ex in my very tender and fragile teenage years, told my I was odd and my ways were so different from the general crowd and nobody understood or got me. (As if he was a mind reader and knew and had spoken to everyone in the world!) What a blow! I was devastated, I didn’t show it on the outside, but inside the damage had been done. I was tormented for years by the careless and insensitive conversation, I sincerely felt I was wrong, odd, weird, not good enough, name it! I suffered a terrible complex, had depression along the way.

Anyway over the years I did my very best to fit in, I tried to shave off my ‘weird’ edges. I tucked and sucked in what I considered the undesirable bits wherever and whenever I could, I put on a restraining belt on my oddness as best as I could and put on a front of acceptability the way I understood it to be. I slotted myself into my designated hole, and sometimes it was a terrible squeeze, but I was determined to fit. I smiled or even laugh at the right time, irrespective of whether I get the joke or not, I bowed and did my courtesies as and when required etc. My sense was no one could accuse me of not trying to fit in, but the simple truth was that I was sometimes just a round peg in a square hole, and no matter how much I tried to fill my curved edges, I never became square.

A time came, when maturity, realisation and acceptance hit me, I got rid of the restraining belt and allowed it to all hang out, in the fulness of it’s oddness and weirdness. I stepped out as me, in all my glory, it was a matter of, this is me, take it or leave it. Let no man trouble me any more. I bear on my flesh the mark I need to bear. What a relief it was! I could breath easy!!! Wart and all, I was ‘kosher’! I was no longer required to be banished or have any ceremonial cleansing before joining the gathering. Obviously that didn’t exonorate me from observing basic social ethics. Be at last I was me, I could step out in my glorious ‘weirdness’.

The beauty of all this is that, I have now been able to meet other weirdo like me and we are just having a ball of a time.

Time has taught me that it is not such a big deal or even a crime to be odd. We are who we are at the end of the day, with the entitlement to enjoy our existence like anyone else. Obviously if there are issues that needs to be attended to medically, then we do well to avail ourselves of such assistance. Otherwise we are good to go. Truth be told, each of us is an individual, a ‘one’, which means at some level everyone is odd. And if you disagree, show me a ‘one’ that is even 😊.

Safe to say, my ex that made the comment is now one of my best friends and he can’t even remember ever saying such. He now thinks I am one of the most genuine and authentic people around. How odd?

Be you and strut your beautiful weird stuff, with no care. Be Kosher!

… in my secondary school years, there was this girl who was a friend of a friend, I will call her Sharon (not her real name). Obviously I was a second tier friend to Sharon, she wasn’t really my friend and we rarely had any contact, however I still remember the few times we talked, just like it was yesterday, she was incredibly agreeable, she seem to want to do whatever I want to do and like what I like and her opinions were in line with mine. Sharon seem quite gentle but not weak, she just seem to genuinely be in agreement. It was pleasing being around her. I couldn’t tell if this was a learnt social skill or that was just the way her maker made her.

The other day I remembered Sharon and wondered if she is still the same, still agreeable or she has changed, given time has passed and everyone is matured, more set in their ways, we are talking 30 odd years ago! Most people have developed in their own paths and sometimes find little or nothing in common with old friends safe nostalgia about the good old days.

Some people are generally more agreeable than others. For example strong willed children are generally not agreeable, everything you tell them is a ‘no’. The only way to get them to do anything is by telling them the opposite of what you want them to do. When you ask them to sit, they want to stand, when it is sleeping time, they want to play, when it is waking time they want to sleep, if they need to go they would rather come etc. They are such hard work! Their social skills are not always developed to enable them to be diplomatic or tactful about their rebellion. They throw it right in your face and you are forever looking for strategies to get them to do what needs doing.

I am a straight shooter and my natural inclination is to say it as it is, if I don’t agree or like something I feel I should just say it, it seems such an effort to wiggle my way around and dock and dive before just spilling it out, but it seems developing good social skills requires that we be more agreeable with people especially where we can. It takes some effort. It seems the good communicator have mastered this and become all things to all men.

Oprah is a good example, who in my opinion seem to have master the skills and most likely explains her success. She seem to have the ability to truly identify with her guest. It doesn’t not mean to always agree. I guess we can disagree without being disagreeable. It is interesting, if a Born again Christian is on The Oprah show , you get the impression she has been or is one, If a Muslim is there, she has been there as well, if it is New Age, she gets it, if someone is struggling with their children, she has experienced something with a child or even a pet, if a person is struggling with weight, she definitely knows all about it, what about debt, poverty? A difficult one given her wealth, but she usually finds a way to pull it off and I think therein lies one of her key strength.

As much as it lies in your power live at peace with all men, become all things to all men, to the Jews become a Jew and to the Gentiles become a Gentile. Disgree if you must without being disagreeable.

“…. you have no right to be beautiful, to be stunning, to glow, to shine, to radiate” he told me, yet he did not open his mouth. His eyes said it all.

You have no right to be clever, to be outstanding, to be intelligent, to stand out in class, to get good grades, to be in top school, to be with top students, to study the best subjects, they told me, yet they were not within physical hearing distance.

You have no right to be successful, to be rich, to strut your stuff, to live in the rich neighbourhood, to ride in the expensive cars, to shop in the boutiques, to dine in the fine places, “no, you have no right” she said.

You have no right to look after yourself, to be healthy, to be fit, to eat well, drink well, make the right choices for your health, get top health care, put yourself together well. No, not you, you have no right.

You have no right to higher thoughts, better mindset, positive mental attitude, growth focus, development incline, awakening, breakthrough mental enlightenment. It is not for you.

You have no right to better relationships, empowering contacts, supportive structures, uplifting people, affluent friends, important people, no right at all, you do not belong.

You have no right to run a good business, be profitable, grow your business, advance the trade, cut the top deals, broker the deal, have top clients, develop stunning products, no right whatsoever.

You have no right to a top job in a top firm, not that department, not that industry nor that sector, definitely not that place, you can’t do it, it is not for you. Remember, you have no right.

You have no right for your voice to be heard, for your work to be published , for your efforts to be acknowledged, for you to improve, to get better. You have no right to be known, to be recognised for what you do. You have no right to do anything anyway, no right whatsoever to expect anything.

You have no right to dream, to think, to desire, to want, to expect, to long, to yearn, no right to change, to transform, to project, to speculate, no right to plan, have goals. “Dream on” she sniggered.

You have no right to be loved, to be cherished, adored, wanted, to be nurtured, nourished, to be desired, to be elevated, to be applauded, you must settle, for you have no right!

No right to be great, powerful, outstanding, awesome. No right to shine, to be polished, crisp, articulate, eloquent, to be favoured, no right to excel or enjoy the fruits of the land.

You have no right to be happy, to be at peace, to enjoy life, to be satisfied, to be content, to be fulfilled, to be motivated, to be empowered, to be enabled, no right to live the abundant life.

He said, she said, they said, and painfully I believed them, added my voice, my thoughts, my actions to the ‘no right ‘ camp and moved, dealt, operated as one that has no right.

No more! I have right to be all and more and so do you, you have right!

… I grew up being told there was a group of people fondly referred to as “them”. They were the people that had it all, a special people belonging to the uppermost echelon of humans. They were ‘the family’. They had the connections, were the upper class, had the money, lived in the sprawling mansions, drove the most beautiful and expensive cars, go on exotic holidays, were somehow good looking though not always. These people get what they want and what we want as well. They mix amongst there own, other ‘thems’, never diluting their specialness with our own unspecialness. Their lives were good and they were the envy of the whole town. We were the ‘us’, we weren’t terribly poor, there were hard times and there were goodish times. We were sort of okayish, there were people worse off than us, so we weren’t at the very bottom of the ladder, but we were definitely not part of the ‘thems’.

The ‘thems’ don’t mix with ‘us’ . There was an unspoken but clear understanding of this class dynamics. The point was that few people in the ‘us’ camp ever have any dealings with the ‘thems’ but a lot was said about them. We hardly ever see them, yet the irony was we seem to know so much about their lifestyle, true or untrue. There was another unspoken but accepted mantra, that we were born differently from them and in our station we will and must remain. We are to forever look up to ‘thems’ and they are to forever look down at the ‘us’.

Now, if anyone from the ‘us’ camp sights a member of the ‘them’ camp, it is always a massive deal. The news travels fast, “you wouldn’t believe who I saw today” becomes “you wouldn’t believe who Joe Bloggs saw today” all over town. The ‘sighter’ is awed, the ‘themer’ is pleased and sways and swags like a demigod. And as long as no one distrupts this dynamics all is good.

The members of the “them’ camps have been fed a different mental diet to the ‘us’ camp. They have been told they are special, very special indeed, the earth belongs to them and they must be worshipped and obeisance made to them, so expectedly their noses are way up in the air. And heaven help the member of the ‘us’ camp that does not bow in obeisance, they feel a great injustice has been done to them! Something terrible and strange is happening to the world.

And yes ‘something strange’ does happen. ‘Us’ becomes enlightened, starts renewing and expanding the mind, getting rid of false beliefs, pulling down hindering and restricting strongholds. Realising that the world is no mans land! We are all without exception strangers and sojourners on a temporary journey here, with the mandate to excel, expand, dominate, reproduce, develop, grow, flourish etc while we are here. It is not the preserve of the ‘thems’ there is actually no ‘thems’ it is all a myth! People have been fed different mental diet and given different starting platform in life. But by and large, it is no man’s land, we are all here to thrive. No doubt it is easier for some than others, but thrive! there are no ‘thems’ that should only enjoy the milk and honey of the land. Put another way, we are all members of the ‘them’ tribe.

Thrive!

… yes, as I was waking up, before I could interfere, before I was awake enough to meddle or muddle the waters, before I could load my mind with all kinds of thoughts, before I could do my analysis paralysis, before I could smother or smear my emotion, passion and interpretations all over it. A thought, so pure and unsolicited came forth. It came with determination, truthfulness, honesty, there was an innocence, child likeness about it. It was like a volcanic eruption in its purposefulness but without the disruptive and destructive force. It was like a plant in its singleness of purpose to spring forth but not the unhurried pace of a plant. It was not hurried either, but had the smooth and steady pace of an experienced diver coming to the surface.

It was like the smooth steady coming up of a submerged submarine making its way to the surface of the water. So my deep thought, lurking way beneath where I could not have naturally reached was starring me face to face, and all I could say was ‘Aha!’ The heart of man! who can know? How did that thought get there? When did it made its way there? why? I have no answers, but it is there. Now some of my actions and behaviours make sense. My irrationals were not irrational afterall. There was a rationality, sanity and reason, a method behind the madness.

Now I know the reason, I still do not want the thought. Someone once said all our thoughts are not necessarily truth. But this sure does feel very true, it was untouched. I guess I will just be kind to myself next time some of my actions do not add up.

Be kind to yourself, sometimes there are reasons behind illogical actions yet to be revealed.

… on my lane is where I want to stay and no where else. So so easy to be swayed and distracted and even to be deceived. My grass is what I want to water and no other man’s grass. My food is what I want to eat and no other man’s food. So easy to stretch the neck and become desirous of the more appetizing looking food in my neighbour’s plate. Me, I must develop, me, I must grow, me, I must stretch out, my lane I must stay, my lane I must work on, my farm I must till, my talent I must stretch, my legs must take me there, my brain must work for me, my mind must produce, my land must yield, I must water it, not another man’s land I must water. My house is my house, I must set it in order, I must live in my house, I must drink from my own well. I must live mine own, I must respect my story my path, I must honour and give regards to my lot. On my lane, I must stay.

I met a man, his lane was wider, neater, smoother, cleaner, well lit, his car was flashier, brighter, newer than mine, but that was his lane, not my lane. I was tempted, very tempted indeed to change lanes and join his lane. But his lanes leads to an unknown destination, unknown to me but not unknown to him. His lane is his, not mine. My lane is in the process of development, my vehicle is transforming, I must not truncate the process of my own growth and development, I must stay on my lane.

I met another man, whose lane appears worse than mine, he insisted on joining my lane. I truly refused. He was dissapointed, I explained, our journeys are dissimilar, do not be tempted or distracted by the present appearance of my lane. Your lane takes you to your destined end. My lanes takes you to my destined end. Stay on your lane.

I must run my race, I must face my challenges, I must run the bends, the straights, the hills, the valleys, I must run the wides and the narrows, the curves, on my lane I must stay.

I am freaking out! Every single lane around me is the same, mine is the only different lane, I must jump lanes. I must change lane, I must join the tribe, I must be with the group. But my lane is my lane. I must stay on it. Learn to love and appreciate it.

I stand tall and straight on my lane. I look forward and set my eyes like a flint. I am at home on my lane. My lane takes me to my destination. I like my lane, I like my path. I am me.

Stay on your lane!