My sumptuous buffet, it will come, that is my hope, I hold out with all my heart, believing the day will come to pass.

I have had to make do with crumbs and scraps of food. I have fed on other people’s leftovers. I have ate what others no longer wanted. I have licked off the plates of others. I have scrapped and begged for food. I ate what does not nourish or nurture my soul just for survival. Days, weeks, I have gone without, not a morsel, but somehow my creator kept me going.

I have been invited to dinner by those who can’t feed themselves, but still wanted my presence and I have been scorned for asking for the promised food. I have been told I would have been fed if only I did this or did that. I have been asked to work for food but at the end of the day was given bones. I have waited patiently in line and when it was my turn, I was told that it is finished.

Yes, I have starved, I have been famished, I have begged and cried for food, my soul has withered and wasted away waiting and hoping that one day I will be fed. I almost gave up, almost stopped hoping and expecting.

But today, my day has come! Today is the day of my feasting, today is the day of my sumptuous buffet, the day I eat to my heart’s contentment. The day I eat food that nourishes and nutures my soul, the day my face glows and my heart leaps, the day my body comes alive, my bones and muscles rejoices, my heart throb. Today is the beginning of my feasting, never to end.

As eat slowly, I smiled lazily. I ate as much as I needed and stood up, knowing I will never starve again as my season of feasting was upon me. My buffet was mine, not to be taken away by anyone.

Your feasting will come!

Life is a beautiful place and forever it will be, an intentional school that never relents on its educational goals. We are forever presented with learning opportunities. A lifelong school indeed!

When a person presents their truth, you have to respect it as their truth, no matter how shambolic or authentic you find it, our opinion of that truth is almost irrelevant in the initial analysis, the first point of call is that this is a person’s truth. This is their honesty, their light, their guiding light, their navigation map in life, their paradigm, their view, the mirror that reflects back. What about if the truth is full of worms, decay, deceit, untruth, wrong assumptions, false conclusions, arrogance and every despicable thing? It remains their truth!

And that brings me to myself and my truth, my very own truth. I am forced to reflect and consider my own truths. How true are my own truths? How authentic? How clean are they? What truth have I held on to for dear life that are simply untrue. What falsehood have I erroneously labelled ‘truth’? This sent chills down my spin, how would I know when I am wrong, especially if in all sincerity I set out to be right and to do good, when the intentions are all noble and legitimate? How do I know if my gourmet meal is just a plate of crawling worms? How do I know if my truth is just delusion?

There is no other way, we must continuously shine the spotlight on ourselves. How true is our true? For if the light that dwell within us is darken, we are blind indeed. Our eye must be cleaned and checked regularly. The eye is the light of the body. The truth is the guiding light.

May our light forever shine bright and may our truth forever be true!

…. every relationship has a period of innocence, a time when all is green, when there is no pre-emptive thoughts, when the goodwill is high, when it is untouched by drama. This relates to all kind of relationships, family, friends, colleagues, business partners, romantic relationships etc. The hymen of the relationship has not been tampered with it. It’s still in its virgin state. There is something kind and gentle and delicate about the relationship.

And then some idiot, some ‘brute force’ goes in break the hymen of the relationship, finds the password and breaks in, disvirgin it by some stupid behaviour, some inappropriate words, some ill thought actions, some self centred manoeuvre, some childish tantrum, uncalled for outburst, some devilish manipulative behaviour. After some time the dust settles, the whirlwind is over, the hurricane has calmed. The sexual act is over.

And then a few days after or a few weeks, months, years or whatever the time span is, we come over and check in to the relationship and expect the hymen to be intact, unbroken, we expect the same level of security. That is impossible! The Innocence of the relationship has been destroyed, can never be regained. Of course the relationship can be continued if sufficient effort is made to make amends and forgiveness abounds, but once disvirgined, never to be as before, it is the way of nature. Some nakedness must never be seen, otherwise they can’t be unseen! Some part of a relationship must never be touched, otherwise the relationship can never be restored to its previous position.

Let us all be careful how we treat people and our relationships, we do not have infinite opportunities to make and get things right. Some treasure once damaged will never regain its previous shape.

In the same manner we preserve and protect the innocence of our young ones, both boys and girls, lets us work hard to protect the innocence of those relationships we truly care about. Let’s know some things are sacred, never to be trifled with.

Forgiveness abounds, but restoration is of the Lord. He alone can perform the miracle of restoring the innocence of a relationship.

Be careful!

… it is terrible, it’s like the limp handshake, can’t wait to shake it off! Give me a firm handshake or leave me alone, hold me tight or let me be! Dragging you along and holding you captive to mediocrity. Want to be your friend but will never commit, no faithfulness, no spark, no fire, no light, no interest, just words, weak meaningless words. To what use, of what purpose, I ask?

Someone said, “but at least, you have a grip” no I don’t, all I have is an illusion, a facade, a looseness that holds nothing together. It’s nothing, doing nothing, yet pretending to be, taking up the space and preventing others from entering. You just don’t feel held, because you are not held, hands are around but not holding you. You don’t feel love, even though ‘I love you too’ flies around. Why ‘too’? Why can’t you just say it, without it being a response to my professing. Why play obligation? Obligatory speech sucks, obligatory relationships are just not it, feel it or leave it!

‘You can trust me’, ‘you are safe with me’, ‘I will protect you’ ….! Really? With those weak hands and slack grip! No , I don’t think so, there is no trust, safety or protection, pure words, absent minded words, not mean or intended to mislead but words lacking commitment, energy or see through. Just words to fill the space, to address the uncomfortable to silence, to wade off drama or agitation. Words to buy time, time for what? I know not.

The light grip, is no grip, it’s the house with no walls or roof, it is no house, offers no protection from the elements, collapses at the first sign of trouble, it is a pack of card. Let it go, just let it go, mourn the loss but it must go, feel the pain, but it must go, grieve but move on. You can do it, you can be strong. Strength is yours!

The light grip is no grip!

… and so the saying goes, we must kiss a number of frogs to find the Prince, but who in all truthfulness wants to kiss a frog? There is nothing pleasant, absolute nothing about kissing a frog, I don’t even see what you learn from the process. There is no appeal, is it the smell, the look, the taste, the manner of a frog or what exactly? It all seems a pointless painful ordeal.

So I am on frog no 13 (unlucky for some), it just turned out he is not the prince, yet again! I must admit he seemed very promising but no, he isn’t. To say I am tired, frustrated is an understatement, I am fed up of the whole frog kissing business. I just want the Prince, period! The way I am going, I will soon be referred to as Mrs Frog . The cynic in me says there ain’t no Prince, there are all frogs looking for a kiss or if I am lucky I will get a hybrid version, part frog part Prince, you know, a part time Prince/frog combo. I guess my frustration is ‘why am I always sure that the latest frog is the Prince, until he is not?’ Why do we think the latest network marketing is the one that will open all doors?

So frog 13 is definitely not it, I just walked out of my house and I can see another 2 frogs, yes 2 not 1 staring at me. What do they want? They know they are not the Prince but yet they wouldn’t mind a kiss. I am the one that need to know as well. I guess all that frog kissing should come in handy, process of elimination should be swift and brutal. From afar I should know the odour, the kiss is uncalled for.

In life atimes we have to go through a long winded journey to get to the store! We have to try a number of businesses/ventures to find the right one, we have to view loads of properties to find our home, our heart has to flutter wrongly before it reaches home, …. etc. It is painful but necessary process, every time we face yet another failure, another dead end, another wrong move, let us not cast away our faith or hope that our ‘Prince’ is out there for us, we learn by the things we suffer, our wrong choices, false starts, so called ‘stupid’ choices or decisions are all learning processes. So be of a good courage, your prince is out there waiting and maybe, just maybe the next frog will be him.

‘Prince’ is just allegory, typification or symbol for whatever your heart desires and ‘frog’ represents the challenges, false starts, weary stories etc

Keep kissing!

… the truth is that I did not know how far away I was. I knew I was not there, but definitely not that far off! What a shock to realise I was where I was and the destination was where it is. I measured the distance and my heart sank! I could not see how I would make it and the only thought in my mind was to abandon the journey, prior to knowing the distance I was happy to trudge along. Now I could not see the point. I felt a massive lump in my throat and my spirit dropped, I could see the next step, that was about it, but the next step felt like eternity from the destination. The thought of the distance was swallowing me up alive. Overwhelmed was not sufficiently strong to describe my feeling. I wish I did not know, at least I would have carried on blissfully ignorantly. ‘Knowledge is power’ some say, today knowledge has not empowered me, it has weakened me! Ah!

Continue reading “The Distance” →

‘… make me strong’! I cry to God, take away my weaknesses, take away this humanity, take a way this tripping aspect, take away this pain, take it all!!! I wept. At some level I was fed up of the frailties that comes with being a human being, I was struggling with the vulnerability of being a woman. I looked at the moment and l thought, ‘I ‘ve been here before and I don’t like it, I have tripped on this stone before, and even if it is not the exact same stone, it bears the same resemblance, any difference is not noticeable. Tired of tripping, I cried for strength, strength not to err again. Erring, falling, tripping all sucks.

And then my prayer started getting answered, my cries were heard. I felt strength entering my body, my heart started hardening, my tripping dropped, I am standing tall and straight, my shoulder squaring, my eyes piercing. I was no longer falling, I met all collusion standing without swerving. I was no longer flinching, my thumb was out of my mouth and the mouth scrunched together. Now I am feared and revered. I got the respect I had always wanted, nobody was dumping their crap on me any more, no scally wagger was hitting on me, all stayed away, I was avoided and I liked it.

With my toughness, came a strange coldness, with the hardening of the heart came a weirdness, something unpleasant, indescribable, unappealing. I got my space, I got my distance, I got the strength I cried for, now I have little or no feelings, I don’t feel human, I am becoming inhuman!! Aha!

I went back and I cried, broken, I pleaded, ‘give me back my humanity!’, take away the heart of stone, reluctantly I swapped back the strength for my weaknesses.

Like Paul, His grace is sufficient for me. For my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast more gladly of my weaknesses … for when I am weak, I am strong!!!

Vulnerability is the game. Stay Human!

Words, I have always maintained are limiting when it somes to fully expressing the intricate issues of the mind and heart. I want to believe that every writer, be it seasoned professional ones or amateur all come to that point where words are inadequate to express what needs to be said. I admit that some are more skilled and proven and do better in weaving words and using it as a tool of expression than others. But we all get to a point when words fail us.

But what do we do when words fail and yet we must communicate, we must transact? We go silent? Yes we do! But how do we hear that which is spoken in silence? We must be even quieter to hear the silent one. We’ve got to go in, there is no other way. Let the inner man pick up the signal, the message. Easier for some than others. This is pure torture for the extrovert, the chatty ones, the verbose. They talk there way in and out of every situation. To be alone with there thoughts and listen deep can be scary, intensely scary, yet it must be done. They feel they will totally loose control and descend into oblivion. The sense of loosing self is the propelling reason to keep talking. But nobody looses self in silence, if anything we discover self and encounter others deeper, for the real man is not on the surface. But how do we complete this transaction? We will know when the deal is done.

Two men sat opposite each other at the table, the transaction table! Business must take place, deal must be cut, words are not spoken. Poker face each stared, not intimidatingly or aggressively like boxers, but two seriously minded people saying, ‘show me your hand’, ‘give me my dues’. The first person took out a wad of money notes, counted some, put on the table, the second person did not flinch, did not even look in the direction of what was placed on the table. Silently they both waited, both unhurried or perturbed. After a long time, person one put some more money on the table. There was no movement from person two, however an observant person will see the tiny twitch of the left eye, blink and you will miss it. Aside from that there was nothing else. Another long period elapsed with nothing happening, person one brought out the reducing wad, half it and added to the pile on the table. This time there was a movement, a tiny turn of the head from person two, he looked at the pile on the table, looked at person one, turned his head away and continued his business of reflecting. For the first time , person one rose up, went to the shelf, checked out the price of the desired good and gasped! All along he had significantly undervalued, under priced. He went back to the table, counted all he had placed on the table, emptied out all his pockets and wallet, counted everything again, he was short! He rosed up went out of the shop, taking all his money with me, reflecting on whether he really wanted the good or not. ‘Was it worth all the trouble and effort?’ He asked himself. ‘No!’ He answered, so he went about his business. But the following days, weeks and months, he couldn’t get his mind off the item, so he went to his bank, his family, his friends, raised all the money required, went back to the table, sat down to transact with the right amount of money. This time around, there were no games, silently the right amount was placed on the table, silently the owner of the goods rose up, went to the shelf, got it, place it on the table. Both men shock hands, person one rose up happily with his item neatly tucked under his arm. Person two smugly counted his money and carried on with his business. When the price is paid in full, the silent transaction will be completed.

Jesus Christ had to pay a price on the cross. The Father ghosted him, there was silence. ‘My God, My God, why have you forsaken me’ he cried out. The silent transaction was going on, he died but also resurrected! The full price had to be paid in the silent transaction for the exchange to happen. Not all transactions take place in the noisy marketplace. There is more silence in the greatest of transactions as the market noise can be distracting.

Be still and know!

…. i am under attack! My attackers have rounded in on me. Who will fight for me? Who will take my side? Who will feel my pain? Who will hear my groan? Who will see it the way I see it? Who will understand? Who will emphathise? I spoke, none heard. I shouted, but none heard, I cried, none saw the tears, I screamed and it fell on deaf ears. I lamented, it was as good as it never happened. I explained, narrated, I really shouldn’t have bothered, it went no where, absolutely no where.

Where is my love? I cried. Where is my respect? I gave it, why ain’t I getting it back. When my turn came, how come it is finished. I sowed, why ain’t I reaping? “No, I can’t accept this, it is not fair” I lamented. And then she responded, “you are cared for in a way you don’t understand or realise”. She is right, I don’t understand, realise or feel any of it. I feel left alone, unsupported, unaided, undervalued, misunderstood and disrespected.

I rest!

… and so the adage goes, charity must begin in the home and rightfully so. Even Jesus stated that if any does not provided for his own, he has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel. We must start where we are and work our way out. This makes a lot of sense. We’ve all heard of stories of Men who don’t care for their families but are catering to other people’s family. Mums who are not kind and gentle to their own children but loving and giving to other children. Husbands who are hostile and demanding to their wife at home but personable and giving to other people’s wife. We have seen and heard it all. Children that will not listen to a single word that comes out of their parent’s mouth but will bend over backwards for other parents. These should not be so, charity must truly begin at home.

Continue reading “When Charity Can Not Begin At home” →