She was conceived before 5am, she started life the day before, around 7pm she emerges, fragile and longing, wanting to be held, to be listened to, to be cuddled and loved, in every manner she is a child, with the needs and desires of a child, she cries out like any child will, seeking attention, validation and assurance, but she is clothed in a grown up body, so she can’t use child language, in a grown up voice she tries to convey the need of a child but none could understand and decipher her needs. Lonely and alone she soothed and comforted herself to sleep.
Love me! Love me!! Love me!!! Cries the 5am child, but none heard, so she changed the cry to, I love you! I love you!! I love you!!! But is the 5am child capable of unconditional love? The child that was not love forever looks for the love she was not given even when she is now an adult. The abusers see her vulnerability and are drawn to it. They tell her I love you! I love you!! I love you!!! But is the abuser not a damaged child as well? How can two damaged children truly love each other? Healing must take place first, independence must be established, maturity must happen before true love can be established. Dependence, addiction, attachment and lust all cunningly disguished themselves as love
At 10am, her adult self woke up to see the trail left by her child, she felt the soaked pillow from weeping, the childlike scribbling in her notepad, the aborted and abandon calls to anyone and everyone that will provide a modicum of affection. She stood still as she try to reach out and comfort the 5am child, but there was no child there, in the mirror all she could see is her adult self staring back at her, reasoning like an adult, composing herself like an adult. But she knows the child will come out again, at 7pm she will emerge. She must reach out to her, she must listen to her, but the child and the adult are one and the same, she decided to leave a note for the child.
The 5am child hasn’t got the wisdom, maturity, discernment or balance of judgement of the 10am adult. She is just needy and earnest. Yet the whole person is made up both and all need to be catered and attended to. The 5am child is scared, anxious and frightful, painfully dependent. The 10am adult must look after this child, as none sees her or can see her. She is well hidden under the flesh of the adult.
My child, there is no need to be alone or lonesome, there is no need to weep and yell, there is no need to cry out for attention, validation and assurance. You are beautiful beyond description, you are loved beyond realisation, you are blessed and secured in the hand of your creator, you are never alone, the universe that you dwell in craddles you. Relax and feel the gentle hands that surround you. Calm your heart and breath the stillness of the presence of your maker. You are loved and forever will be loved, my twillight child, breath!
We still must hear out the 5am child, every single word she has to say must be heard, she still is as valid as the 10am adult, she occupies half of the life of the person. Why must the adult have the final word? Let the child also be, let’s hear out the insane, let the immature also speak. What world do we exist in, if half of its people are denied a voice. I have use all kind of language to describe the 5am child, but maybe I am wrong, maybe I have been unfair, maybe I have misdiagnosed her, maybe it is her time to be, maybe it is her time to shine. Maybe the adult will never thrive until the child is at peace and at rest and can ensure the child’s need have been catered to. We must listen to the child. Child wants to play!
Beautiful Ivory 