I am Outside

… I am outside, all by myself and it is really cold and lonely. I have knocked on a few doors and nobody will let me in. I must admit I don’t know what is behind those shut doors, I don’t really know the people, their ways, their living habits, their personality, their energies etc, but I thought it will be good to be let in, then hopefully I will be warm, get some company and I will no longer be cold and lonely. “What about if their house is cold?” The voice asked. It can’t be as cold as outside, I thought. “Their heating could be broken!” It still wouldn’t be as cold as outside, I wouldn’t be at the mercy of the elements. I responded. But a different kind of cold, a soul coldness, deep in the heart, permeating the atmosphere, stifling the life out and constricting breathing. Now I don’t know how to heat that up and that will be very cold indeed. Maybe outside is not as cold as that, maybe I can still breath, maybe I can still have shelter at the bus stop.

Maybe there really is no company, there are people but no company. Maybe they wouldn’t like me, maybe I wouldn’t like them, maybe there is nothing lost, maybe we don’t belong together, we have nothing in common. The fact I have knocked and they wouldn’t open is the fact that we have nothing to offer each other. “But can that really be true?” If there is no interest or willingness to give then there is nothing to offer. “But what about if I want to give?” If there is no interest or willingness to receive, then maybe nothing should be offered. Why cast pearls before swine?

I guess all that is left, is to stay outside where I am and build my house and one day a cold and lonely person will knock my door and I can decide whether to open the door or not. But how do I build my house in a strange land?