… not too long after I returned to the UK, this was in my late teenage years, I was working in a small company, not too many of us, everyone knew each other. It came to my knowledge that one of my colleagues had financial difficulties. Without thinking much, I offered him a little something I had, I was so innocent, so culturally and racially unaware. His reaction to what I considered a kind gesture blew me away, he went into one! Demanding to know why I felt it was appropriate to offer him money, me of all people, him of all people. It was my money and why would I want to give it to him, he was physically very annoyed and it was clear he felt insulted, very insulted indeed, on my part I was very confused, I felt really bad, wrong and small. I was shocked to my core, unable to find any words to describe that I meant no offence was just trying to be kind. The incident jaded me and since then I usually have to think twice before reaching out. Many years down the line, I could look back at this situation objectively and understand that here was someone in need, but his pride and sense of superiority made it impossible to receive the assistance required.
On a different but not totally disimilar note, I have since encountered a number of situation where people are in need, but their behaviour made it difficult for people to reach out and help them. I was once talking to a senior nurse and she told me how some very sick patient make it difficult for the medical staff to care for them and some of them sadly end up passing on. These people are so ill, can hardly do anything for themselves, but yet will insist that their care must be on their terms and their terms alone. In their sick state, still insist on bossing everyone around, oblivious of their unhelpful behaviour and unprepared to change, people end up leaving them to their devices. It is nothing short of painful, watching them struggle but unable to help. They bark and bite every time you move close to an inch of offering assistance. All you can do is stand back and watch them deteriorate from a distance.
Some people lament their loneliness and cry out for company, but their energy is uncondusive, every time we encounter them, they are caustic and bile, all they do is complain, moan and groan, such unpleasant people to be around, yet they are very lonely. We long to reach out, but incredibly grating they are and for our own self preservation we must keep a distance, very very painful to watch.
Some times we see people, going blindly down the wrong path, making or about to make mistakes we have already made, and we offer them the benefit of our experience, trying to warn that what lies in front is a ditch, but all advice is shun and they prefer to make their on own mistake and learn their own lesson, again a very difficult car crash to watch.
We try to be their for some people, be it friend, family or acquaintance going through difficult times, we want to be a pillar for them to lean on, but we find out we are treated as the punching bag, made responsible for all their ills. Our good intentions and efforts seem to be doing nothing for them or ourselves but creating more pain for all. I once had a friend going through a rough patch and I resolve to be there for her. So I would call and visit regularly. But almost without fail, after each call or visit, I leave with a spliting headache, totally distabilised. I tried to rationalise that it is a temporary situation and I must be strong and endure, but it got to a stage I could take no more and had to take my leave.
I know some other people when they are in need unlike my colleague above they actually feel it is our responsibility to sort every single need they have. Their sense of entitlement is suffocating, whatever you give is never sufficient. They are like bottomless pit of needs, like a gaping hole that is ready to swallow you up whole. They are never satisfied, never contended, forever asking, forever demanding, forever insinuating. We give and give, but it is never enough, they are like leeches, sucking dry and choking life out of anyone that comes in contact. Sadly some of these people are close to us, they are friends, family, possibly very close family, church members, fraternity buddies etc.
All these people have needs, huge needs, we can see it clearly, and to anyone that has an ounce of sympathy or is empathetic, it is heart wrenching to observe, they have needs yet we are unable to bail them out. Our kindness is either frowned upon or taken for granted, either way we can’t win with them. Kindness, they say will not kill but gives a lot of worry. We walk away from the prison some of these people are in, unable to bail them out, with the heaviest of heart.
‘No’ is one of the hardest word to say, but yet sometimes that is what must be said! Grown up decisions have to be made. Frail, but without bail we leave them, but with a heavy heart though.
Beautiful Ivory 