My Applause Cost

It’s not free, it never was and it never will be. You didn’t know the price, or you thought there was none, or perhaps you never thought in the first place.
You alienated me, you discounted me, you dismissed me. Was it deliberate or you just didn’t see me?

Now you want me to clap, to applaud, to hooo and haaa. I can’t do that, as that would be false. I can’t tell if it is beautiful as the process has been ugly.
Maybe it is aesthetically attractive, but it does not lift my spirit. It brings no light to my soul.

“Am I jealous?” I ask. No, I feel nothing. I feel flat. Should I say ‘well done’? I want to, but the words are stuck in my throat like a car stuck at the toll gate. The toll was never paid, the car can’t proceed and the words are not coming out.
My applause cost!